May 25, 2012

i won't forget.

"The Lord gives, and the Lord has taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord." - Job 1:21

i think it's time for me to write about it.

it's been just over four months since we lost our second baby, emery. but it seems longer. like enough time has passed for a haze to settle over it all. but then, there are still moments when it's as fresh as when we watched the little heart beat on the ultrasound, and knew it wouldn't last.

it was a whirlwind happening in the midst of the rest of a life that was full with illness and struggle, but it has left it's imprint on us as if it was a long-lasting season.

i want to write about this to remember. we have no pictures. no tangible evidence that our baby existed. just a name. yet emery will always have a place in our life. a mark on our hearts.

and now having experienced miscarriage, it seems like a whole new world has appeared. it's one that isn't often talked about, filled of others that have experienced the same (and many have been even further along). for them, i hope this will be an encouragement, and that what the lord showed me so clearly through it all would be a comfort to you. no matter how new or old your pain may be.

because we serve a faithful god.

we weren't trying to have a baby. it wasn't the right time--we were spending so much time in the hospital, finances were beyond tight, and it felt like we could hardly take good enough care of the little one we already had. we both wanted another baby, but we knew it wouldn't be the best thing to try to take on in the current season.

on christmas morning, we found out i was pregnant. i had my suspicions felt pregnant for weeks. but it was still a shock. and despite the ill-timing, we were elated.

the next few weeks our life seemed brighter. the unexpected gift of another little one had reminded us of how blessed we were, and how kind god had been to us on our journey. we were distracted from the exhaustion as we thought about how our little family was going to grow. and what a great big brother c. would be.

then, i started bleeding. and then it got worse.

i made an appointment to see the doctor. i was already expecting the worst, but trying to trust god nonetheless. i reminded myself over and over that his hand was on our lives. all of them.

at the doctor, they did an ultrasound. although i was still pregnant, she warned us that there might not be a heart beat. and then we saw it. the strong beat on the monitor. immediately, my heart and eyes were flooded. there's our baby, i thought. we're looking at our baby.

it was one of the most bittersweet moments of my entire life. 

having those minutes. seeing our baby, was amazing. but knowing that our baby was still alive, and my body was trying to remove it was unbearable. to be honest, i'm still struggling with this part of it.

then came the news. the sac looked too small, and other things (like the awful amount of bleeding that i was having) caused a frown to settle on my doctor's face.

"there's still a chance", she said. "there's still a chance that things might be okay, but prepare yourself that it most likely won't be."

we went home. and i wept.

that night my symptoms got worse. as nick held me, through the tears i asked, how could god do this to us? how could he give us this baby, right now, and then take it away? haven't we been through enough? why now?

i was hurt, scared, and broken. but what was worse, i was angry at god for allowing this to happen.

nick prayed for me. he read me scripture. he held me tight. then, he simply replied, "god is in control. this is god's child, and any amount of time that he entrusts us with one of his children is a gift. one that we should be humbled by and thankful for."

we went back to the doctor two days later. there was no movement on the monitor.

after having symptoms of a miscarriage for almost a week, we elected for a d&e the next day. my body was exhausted and i don't know if it would have even continued on it's own.

we had already begun to grieve, and it was time for us to let go.

the fear of miscarrying has been with me ever since i knew i wanted to have children. when i was pregnant with c., the fear was almost paralyzing at times. i couldn't imagine how i could survive such a terrible trial. but you know what? god was faithful then, and he is faithful now.

i survived. and somehow, am better because of it. & i will cherish those few months with our sweet child.

and through this, i have learned even more deeply what it means to trust the path that god has laid before me. that there is nothing that will separate me from his love, and nothing that he will give me that is too great to bear. there are still days when i will remember our child, and the tears will flow. my heart will ache. but that's okay, because there is joy mingled with the pain, knowing that we had that brief moment in time together.
an unknown life 
growing inside, thriving
until it's not. until the little heart
beats quickly on the screen. as if to say i'm still
here, don't make me go away.
until it's not.
until it's gone.  
i break.
dear emery, we may have only had you for a short time, but you were such a sweet blessing. we'll never stop missing you, little one. until we see you again.



  1. Thanks Ashley, that was a sweet reminder of what an amazing God we have. How He can bring blessing and growth in our lives from even our most painful times. He is so Good!! Love you so much!

  2. I'm glad you talked about it. Thank you also for letting me talk about my miscarriage when you visited. It's a very difficult memory to relive, but it is something (and someone) you never forget. Love you.

    1. thank you for talking with me. it was so helpful, and meant so much, to be able to share that with you. i love you. ♥

  3. Oh my goodness. You have such a beautiful perspective. I haven't been pregnant yet, but I am absolutely terrified of having a miscarriage. I don't know if I could handle it. But you're so right, we just need to trust God and his path for us. I love that your husband said, that any time spent with one of God's children is a gift. So good. So glad you shared this!

    1. thank you. it's definitely been a hard process, but so much more beautiful than i'd imagined. god is faithful, for sure ♥

  4. The fear of miscarriage is so unbelievably strong during pregnancy. I am so sorry you and your family experienced it. You have the most beautiful and true perspective on it, and I admire that so much.

    1. Your Momma... I love you! I hope you know just how very, very much! <3


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