March 27, 2012

on communication & marriage.

this is the last week of the relationship series. what a blessing it has been to write on these topics, and to read what these lovely women have had to say. it has come at such a perfect time for me, & i hope you have been blessed by it, even if only in the smallest of ways. 
"when words are scare they are seldom spent in vain." - w. shakespeare
i used to think i was good at communicating. and then i got married.

back in 2009. photo credit: melissa joy

okay, that's not totally true. but i have learned so much about what communicating really means since i got married. probably because the person i love most in this world is directly affected depending on how i communicate.

the truth is, i've always been great at talking (if you know me well, you know how true this is, don't you?) but what i've learned over the years, as i've grown in grace and wisdom, is that's just it. i talk. 

i don't communicate very well at all. 

instead, my overuse of words in conversations by trying to communicate what i'm feeling or wanting has cheapened the meaning, more times than not. i get lost in my words, in my trying to structure an argument of reasons why, instead of actually working through what my heart & head are wanting to say.

conversely, my husband chooses not to talk when it comes to discussing things, until he knows exactly how to express what he is wanting to say.

when we got married, it took some time to try to find a sort of compromise in this--he would talk when he didn't want to & i would try to not talk. at least a little less. but for the past few years, we've been in a pretty constant state of emotional excessiveness. which has made it even harder for us to find a balance between my over communicating and his lack of it.

when nick is overwhelmed, or stretched thin, he turns inward to process his thoughts & emotions. me? i turn outward. usually to him. usually all over him. and i know that this does not bless my husband. but when i'm wanting of affection, or attention, i am urged to tell him about it. to remind him of it. to explain why i feel the way i feel. to "help" him understand how he can help me in it.

i rarely listen.

but, by God's grace, i'm starting to. i'm starting to hear the ridiculousness that comes in strings from my lips.

i'm starting to hear the silence that speaks volumes.

i've always understood the importance of communication in marriage. i braced myself for it before we said "i do." i prepared myself for it. but, i'm starting to realize that for me, communication means listening. communication means praying first. it means thinking before i speak. it means not feeling the need to fill any silence in the conversation with empty, self-focused words. and now, communication is slowly beginning to mean focusing on hearing what the other has to say. instead of trying to figure out how i can be heard. i'm learning to actually articulate what i need to say. and to wait to hear the response.

seeing this growth. this change in my heart. leaves me...well, it leaves me pretty speechless.



  1. HI! Oh we have such similarities, wow, and today I wrote about what you ended with here, you won't believe it!

    Thanks for sharing your beautiful heart with's crazy how men and women are so different. I wonder if God did this to build our character of selflessness? B/c I am dumbfounded and mind blown on how vast the difference are! He must have done this for growth, and to gain wisdom and to learn how to love. And what's beautiful, is that you can see that in your post. We can see how much you WANT to make communicating work, and you want to honor your marriage and grow and learn...and be of godly character, and that is the best place to start, is with the heart.
    Really lovely, thank you for linking up!!! Stay in touch!

  2. Great post :) I can so relate to this. Still working on finding that balance of communication and learning to truly listen during conversation with my husband. Changes everything!


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