on sleeplessness.

“What hath night to do with sleep?” 

― John Milton, Paradise Lost

if i didn't know better, i'd say that milton was in my head.

these last few weeks have been long. the days have stretched well into the nights, and the nights have lingered too long to not count for much at all. there are stolen moments of sleep, peppered among the cries of a tired baby girl, but the lack of anything substantial has been draining. naps happen in intervals, and life is just busy.

the truth? i've never been more exhausted in my entire life.

but this time has been one of such growth. of stretching beyond myself--my strength, patience, joy--and causing me to strive for change. not just change of circumstance, because despite the trying, sleeplessness still remains. but change of heart.

the nights might not be filled with the sleep i need, but they can still be filled with the grace i need.

there has been a gradual change happening, causing my nights (and days) to be filled with less anxiety, and more peace. joy even.

joy in the daily everythings. because i am deciding to remind myself of them often.

i have a list in my head. for the moments i become anxious, or angry even, that i can't have a moment to breathe when i'd like it. a list filled with good things, like the way that my children are healthy and growing and changing into precious little beings. the way the afternoon sun streams in through the living room windows as i cuddle one or the other as they take turns napping. and even the way the coffee brews and the rich smell wafts across the room throughout the day.

slowly, my nights are turning into purposeful times of sweet thankfulness as i feed my baby and calm her cries. 

i am in a place of few words these days, and instead have found myself in a place of ever-present grace, relying heavily on the daily manna gifted to me by a kind Father, who is showing me snippets of an incredibly blessed life, and sustaining me on a fraction of rest that i would have thought necessary to function.

and i'm learning that although my nights might not have much to do with sleep, they have much to do with refreshing grace.

because my strength is not really found in myself, and the more i realize that, the more i am able to walk through this hard season well. and so, i'd appreciate your prayers, friends. prayers for strength, sleep, and diligence.

diligence to make my nights count.

love.