on seeing beauty in a broken past.

“The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen.” 

― Elisabeth Kübler-Ross

there is beauty in the broken.

i don't talk about my childhood much on here (or much about my past in general). there are volumes there, and i barely know where to start. but i think it would be good for me to talk about it a little bit. to start to unpack where i started in this journey of understanding beauty.

when i was little, i was the quintessential girl. i loved all things frilly, and my skirts (my everyday apparel) had to pass a twirl test to make the outfit cut. i dreamed of being beautiful, particularly in the way that sleeping beauty was.

fast forward to the end of my childhood--i was a broken and empty, makeup-covered (and barely clothed) child that desperately sought affection through my appearance. the level of attention I received (or lack thereof) drove my view of my level of beauty and self worth.

what happened to that little girl?

i grew.

i grew up amidst a broken home.

i grew up the daughter of a model. 

i grew up the daughter of an alcoholic.

i grew up the daughter of a broken child herself, desperately wanting to find her worth in her appearance. just as she was taught to do.

as i grew, the emphasis on looking pretty was only reinforced, both in the atmosphere of home and outside of it. i craved to find acceptance and approval and love and affection so desperately, but the more i tried and the more I looked in the mirror i was left wanting.

so desperately wanting.

i hated my face and could hardly find a redeeming quality as i spent so much time scouring over every detail in the mirror.

eventually, i learned to hide what i hated underneath layers of black eyeliner, multiple smokey eyeshadows, mascara, and foundation. to hide the ugly. and to make myself look better than I felt, to make myself feel better. 

as for my body, when i looked in the mirror I saw fat. I was 5'6" and wore a size one jeans, but i was never small enough.

i watched the shows, read the magazines, and embraced the body images and facial structures that were deemed better by those around me and the larger culture.

by the end of high school, i was a desperate, dolled-up, mess.

but my story didn't end there. and in fact, it was just beginning.

to be honest, it's still hard find much beauty in those dark years. i even have a hard time finding beauty when i look in the mirror some days still. but i do know that my story was woven beautifully to shape me into the woman i am today. a woman full of hope to encourage others to see what she could not. the beauty that is real and lasting and is not paid for by an advertiser or others desperate for finding their worth in the wrong places.

there is beauty in the journey, because we are here because we were there first. and rejoicing in our story and the sovereign grace of God that brought us through will cause our souls to grow more beautiful each day we rest in his love.

your story makes you unique. 

your story makes you, you.

your story makes you beautiful.

love.

a note: if you're here because of my link on thenester.com, i apologize that it's not a typical 31-day challenge (you can read more about it in my last post). it won't be consistent, and it won't always be pretty, but i hope it will be encouraging. i do hope you'll decide to stay awhile anyway. <3 

carry your cross.

and he said to all, "if anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me. for whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will save it. for what does it profit a man if he gains the whole world and loses or forfeits himself? for whoever is ashamed of me and my words, of him will the son of man be ashamed when he comes in his glory and the glory of the father and of the holy angels." - luke 9:23-27

 
i've had a few dear friends heavy on my heart this week as they've faced various kinds of trials. & as my own little family enters this new season (one that is much more peaceful), i've found myself struggling to adjust to such a simpler way of life.

these verses were part of the text we went through on sunday. & oh, how they encouraged me. i was freshly reminded of the truth about suffering in this life. & about grace. about how jesus suffered. & why he chose to suffer. before entering into his glory. so that we can enter into glory with him.

and so, we must suffer as well. while he suffered so that we can be accepted by god, we suffer for his glory. & for our good.

in this new season, i've been thinking about what it means to me to "take up my cross daily." living here, i don't put my life on the line for my faith every day. most of us don't suffer beatings, or stoning, or imprisonment.

yet, we still suffer.

but by god's grace, many times we are suffering on a different level. it can be as simple as denying our flesh daily. denying our natural tendency toward self-absorption. & instead, being actively focused on the glory of the gospel. & the promise of our redemption.

how does that look in my life? right now, i think it means waking early, before my boy, to spend time in the word & in prayer. to orient my day towards what really matters. it means serving selflessly, even when i'm tired. it means crying out to the lord on behalf of my loved ones. because, there will come a time again where i will suffer more intensely for god's glory. & i want my heart in a posture of preparation. & of joy.

following jesus is costly. & there are times we will grow weary.

but i've realized--it is worth enduring.

it is worth it for so many reasons. to be one that god uses to bring glory to his name. to bring about the redemption of those that are apart from god. to speak volumes of the power & provision of our holy father.

it will be worth it when this life is a mere breath of a shadow. when we stand there on that day. & hear the words well done, faithful servant. well done, my child.

so take heart, dear friends. i hope these truths refresh to your soul, as they have mine these past few days. for we are fighting a winning battle. wrapped in the arms of one that has suffered more than we could ever imagine. the one who knows just what we need to endure what is before us.

the one who loves us so.

love.