on longing for peace.

"If we find ourselves with a desire that nothing in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that we were made for another world." - c.s. lewis

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"He has made everything beautiful in his time. Also, he has put eternity into man's heart, yet so that he cannot find out what God has done from the beginning to the end." - ecclesiastes 3:11

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as my years on this earth increase,

my heart learns to lean in more, to love deeper. 

to go further in.

I watch as my sweet babes grow older--

the future creeps into the present, and just as quickly bleeds into the past. 

at times, the weight of brokenness in this life overwhelms me. 

I can almost feel the groaning of our imperfect earth--heavy with the blood of innocents, the pain of the alienated, the tears of the grieving. 

and in the quiet of the night, are moments I find myself aching--for the day of redemption, perfection.

for the revelation of the love that binds the broken into beauty. 

my heart whispers: come quickly, lord Jesus. 

and then, the sun rises. 

filling the dark with light, uncovering glimpses of beauty everywhere, waiting to be seen. 

new mercies to fill us for another day. 

and if we press into grace, we might just make it.

oh, God be with us.

how quickly things change.

i wrote this just a few months ago. it's the first poem i've written in over a year. oh, it felt good to write.

i don't want to be here. 

i don't want to be here, in room 7023.
this new room greets us with an odd familiarity.
the mirror image of our second home floods my vision,
while unwanted memories dig into my senses. 

i don't want to remember this pain that comes
in waves of moans and groans and seething breaths,
reflecting what's inside of him,
echoed in me. unending,
resonating, these recollections
stare me in the face. they are reality.
and each time i cringe. 

i can hardly stand these monotonous idle hours,
these ridiculous channels--
time passes here like a slow
dull creak on ancient floorboards
bereft of normal wanderings. 

even at this first encounter, i know it so well,
this mirror image. it remains a reminder of the pain, that
we have been here before. but,
we have been here before and left.
we may be here now, but we will leave. 

and my beloved will be alright.

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and how alright he is. praise God for his faithfulness.

love.