on waiting for words.

the past few weeks, i've been struggling for words.

and when i hit a dry season, when the words stop pouring and turn into barely a trickle,
my soul begins to feel as if it's shriveling. as if it can't eek out much of anything worth anything.

words are how i breathe, sometimes. 

but all of this wishing hard for words has had me thinking of my motivations, my desires, and from where i draw my inspiration. and i'm beginning to notice that when i try to write from my own strength, when i try to force them out, the words don't come. they stay just beyond reach, resolute.

my heart tightens when i sit to write and nothing comes. 

because i thrive when the words come. i feel alive--it's like feeling the wind on my face and the salt air whip around my body. like standing in the rain on a chilly spring day, letting each drop hit like a clean, new start. and it's not just when i'm actually writing, it's all the time in the day surrounding it.

i need words.
but even more, i need grace.

this life of mine has taught me over and again where i need to run to find my inspiration. where i need to sit and listen, and the grace to run to God for contentment. i am passionate about these words of mine, but if my motives are selfish, my well runs dry. when i seek satisfaction in seeing ink on the page or pixels on the screen, or even just in inspiring others, in connecting with like-minds, or just being read, that's when my words become self-serving, thin and dead.

instead, they flow when i am satisfied in him. when i have something worth sharing, to share.
when i am found in him, i am full of contentment.
and, words.

that's when i find my words. every time. 

love.

thankful (it's never too late).

With Thanksgiving just recently passed, I've been pondering a lot on what it means to be thankful, and things that I'm thankful for. In doing this, I've realized how often I can fail to see how much there is to be thankful for, and have even been more conscious in looking for things as they arise.

And because of it, my heart is full.

While looking towards this (favorite) holiday season with much anticipation, I've found myself recalling our life last year--last year was riddled with ER visits and hospital stays.

It's times like this when I'm even more thankful for this little blog and the opportunity it's given me to chronicle our lives. This is from December thirteenth of last year:

so again, we wait. we wait until this works itself out, he gets better and we can go back home. it could be tomorrow, or a few days. with everything up in the air, again, life has been put on hold.

some good news is that we're back on the surgical floor, which means we are surrounded by nurses and NAs that know us well and greeted us as warmly as old friends would. in a way, it's a sort of homey being back here (please take "in a way" strongly for as you know, hospitals and homey are in no large way synonymous) and has been much easier of a transition knowing he is so well cared for, by people who know and care much for him.

although this is not what we had in mind for us right now, we are trusting that this is not in vain, that there is a purpose in this. and again, we have been overwhelmed by the outpouring of care, concern and encouragement by you all. knowing there are so many praying for us has been freshly humbling.

what a strange mix of hardship and joy it is to experience so many practical expressions of God's love for us through your calls, texts, scriptures, emails and visits. we are grateful beyond words, and feel utterly undeserving of this love from so many wonderful people.

it has made this ordeal not only bearable, but peaceful. and has made me newly aware of how richly blessed we are.

It seems so long ago that I wrote this. So far away from the reality that we find ourselves in now, and yet this was our life up until just a few months ago.

In reading this, it struck me--if we could be so thankful in such a season, how much more should we be in the present?

Somehow I still find myself lacking thankfulness sometimes. But today, my joy and contentment in this new chapter of our lives has only increased, as I think of all that we have. And that although it is by no means easy or perfect, it is so very full of hope and evident of God's grace.

God loves his children well. For them, there is always hope. And there is always grace.

And that alone is reason enough to be thankful.

love.