on silence.

"i've begun to realize that you can listen to silence and learn from it. it has a quality and a dimension all its own."- chaim potok

i have never been fond of silence.

somewhere along the way of growing up, the silence became my enemy. it did the very opposite of comfort and instead, it was loud and buzzing with insults, criticism, and fear. eventually i learned to fill any moments void of outside noise with whatever i could--books, movies, music, and people, as often as i could find myself around them.

perhaps that was the start of it, but i'd like to think that i was made to crave words. there is something essential and spiritual to me about words in all mediums. but how often the most damaging sort to me, are my own.

words are how i live, thrive, and crumble.

i love people.
i love talking with them, engaging with them.

i quickly feel connected to someone after i share bits of my soul through words, and learn about parts of theirs. these words are the root of my foundations and are intertwined with the essence of my faith. talking about the things that dwell in my soul is what makes me feel whole.

simply put, i find comfort in the exchange of words. without the ability to use my words, i feel as if i am not fully functioning in the way i was meant to, from the beginning.
___

this has been a season of transition--a stretch of days, weeks, and months that has been filled with so many lessons for both our hearts and minds.

and, it has been a season light on words.

they have stuck in my fingertips, and stuck on the tip of my tongue.
and they have refused to fully form most times i have tried to push them out despite their defiance.
for months now, there have been times i've felt as if they have betrayed me.

my passion, dried up.

but the thing is, i think i'm starting to see why.

i've been learning so much of my heart lately, and that there is correlation between how quickly my words jump out of my mouth and how unsettled my heart is.

oh, how much i rely on those exchanges for comfort and contentment.
and the anxiety i feel when i come up wanting for words correlates so closely with the discontentment in my own soul.

i have reverted back to my default position, my good old survival mentality. once again, i viciously dread the silence. i allow my vulnerabilities, my faults, and my fears to scream at me once outside sounds cease. because i see my lack, and my lack of ability to fix my sin, and i push it down.

and i run from facing the things that need to be pulled out by their roots by proverbially putting my hands to my ears as i fill the silence, and add a stomp of a foot each time i hit "next" on netflix to watch just one more show.

i am missing so many moments of communion with God, i cringe at the thought of even trying to count.

so many missed opportunities to hear him speak through the chaos in my mind, and to calm the waters that rage in the moments void of sound.

there are countless passages that speak to stillness.
to waiting. to listening. to simply being.

be still. it says.
yet i am hardly ever still. at least not in the true sense.
how often instead do i grab my phone, bouncing from one app to another, until i calm my reeling mind (as if that ever really works)? or pulling up netflix when i have a short respite or a few moments to myself.

how do i expect to have words of merit flow out, when i resist putting anything of merit in?

so as part of a chapter ends and a new one begins, i have looking back at more and more unearthed sins and corners of my heart filled with complacency. corners i had forgotten about for years.
it has been messy at times, and fruitful too, though sometimes it seems the lesser.

and yet, i feel my heart being stirred to action.

i have learned more about patience.
perseverance.
contentment.
faith.

and silence.

learning how to hold my words.
and learning to let them go, and to listen, instead.
beginning to pursue contentment, and inspiration.
instead of demanding inspiration (like that ever works).

and so here i sit, looking forward to learning to love the silence once again. to embrace it, drink from it, and let my words flow out from it. it won't be an easy process, but not many things of worth really are.  so, i am encouraged.

and for that, i am ever thankful.
because i know that God will meet me in it.

love.

in with the new (a few thoughts).

suddenly, it's a new year the new year is in full swing.

life has been busy and strange and tiring, but it has been so good and full of hard lessons for my heart and head. in a season that is so much more mild than years past, i've struggled as if it were anything but, and in ways that are new to me. discontentment. anxiety. fear. depression. joylessness.

but in it, i have seen so much fruit.
and through it, i've acquired a thirst for change.

i've pulled back from social media some (if you follow me, you may have noticed) and have been observing my use of time in general. from it, i've seen a lack, and have been learning to exercise more self-control, to be more present in the life of my days. i desire to be the kind of woman that purposefully seeks out small moments, knowing that they are precious and are what shape my memories of these years. i want to be the kind of woman who strives for the mundane to be as full of joy as the highs and the lows alike. 

i want to be the kind of woman that that leaves that legacy to those around me, when they remember these days long past.

______

so, if i had to pick a word to anthem this year, i'd say it was joy.
but, really, that doesn't quite cut it. and since i have a tendency to use too many words in general life to just choose one, i picked three instead:

present. 
creative. 
and, most of all, joyful.

these words are the essence of my prayers for this year. i'm already staggered by the way i see God pushing my heart and shaping the way i think and act. i feel excited and passionate (and even able!) to grow in so many areas: in planning, praying, studying, writing, reading, heath, exercising, parenting, marriage-ing (we're going to say that's a thing, ok?), and loving well.

i'm sure i won't master most of these, but really, the goal is to strive. to surrender. to faithfully, passionately pursue growth in the areas i feel God is pushing me in, faithful that he will work through my brokenness and weakness to produce fruit and growth. and that his glory will be seen in its midst.

and so, my goal is not to set resolutions (i know i will break them), or to be perfect (this broken side of heaven), but it is to learn now how to use this life well--to be a light and an encouragement to those around me, pointing them to the gospel that is the very thing that gives me breath.

starting with the two small ones that watch me so closely every day.

this life is short. i not only want to embrace and savor each and every moment--i want to make them brim with joy and grace and the exhilaration that comes from taking this life and making it a good one. this is my first step in what i hope to be a life-long journey, full of joy.

so here's to 2015.
let's do this.

love.

10.14.14

dear c and n--

life is going to be hard sometimes.

you've already experienced it in different ways--sickness and hardship and exhaustion has encountered our little family more than we would have liked. and still, as the years grow that you live this life on earth, more hard times will come.

but there is hope. 
because just as there is sweet in the hard, there is hope in the hopeless.
and there is grace for it all.

what i want most in the world for you is that as you grow, you grow in your love for--and faith in--God. that your hearts would always be tender towards his word and his grace and his redeeming love.

if i leave nothing else behind as my legacy for you, i hope that it is this--that you love well, that you live fully, and that you cling to the one that ransomed you, through all the things that come your way.

your hearts are large and your souls are sweet. both of you have such a joy and love within that radiates out and affects those around you in great ways. let these be what drive you in your efforts as you grow, and as your pursue the one that loves you perfectly.

you are precious to me.
you are precious to your father.
and you even more precious to the God that was kind enough to give you both to us.

dear ones, cling to one who gives us grace and redeems our souls to glory.
never lose hope.

love,
mama.

10.7.14

dear n--

i hate when you're sick.

your fevers come so quickly, and the feelings of helplessness and anxiety follow right behind. the world seems so much more fragile when i hold your little body, lying limply and uncomfortably.

it makes me feel helpless.

motherhood is hard. it makes you feel thin and fragile and vulnerable in new ways. but, just as it is when you find someone that loves you for who you are--for your very soul and self--this new vulnerability and fragility is sweet, as much as it is terrifying.

perhaps one day you'll be a mother as well. and you'll feel the surge of bare, fervent love for a person that is so much like you, but still so much their own self. whatever your future holds, i know you'll love well.
_____

i've learned more of God's love for his children through having my own. and he has proven the faithfulness of his love for this little family of ours time and time again.

he carried you safely as he formed your beautiful self in my belly, he carries you now as you navigate these first few years in this big world, and he will carry you every day after, whatever comes your way.

and so today, i'm reminding myself that he is the one that held you first, and he will hold you always. i hope you grasp firmly this truth to heart early on, and never allow anxiousness to take hold when things don't go as planned, and when the things of life get hard.

this world and our bodies are fragile and vulnerable, but the moments are beautiful.
and they can be found in the ordinary, like these sick-day snuggles we share while you mend.

love,
mama.

on overcoming the lie (of perfection).

there's a lie that i've let myself believe for a long time. 
a lie that has left me feeling guilty, condemned, and defeated so many times. 

it's something that God has been slowly opening my eyes to, and it's more than partly the reason for my post about my new year's goals, and striving to be free.

because the lie of perfection is deadly. 

this thing we tell ourselves as women, that everyone else has it together, except for us. and that if we can somehow attain it, we will find joy.

for me, this notion of perfection coexists with comparison. oh, how quickly i compare myself to other women, both online and offline. sometimes consciously, sometimes not.

how they look. 

how they dress.

how put together they are, how organized their life is.

how many kids they have successfully birthed and raised.

how they care for their home, how they cook.

how well they bless and serve others.

how much better than me they are, at just about everything.
and how i am not.

and before i know it, i find myself in this place of coveting and discontent. wishing i were better, wishing i were more.

and it's exhausting. 

when we look to others as our standard, we turn their giftings into idols and their strengths into our own gods that are always just out of reach. it's wonderful, and i think important, to admire our sisters for their strengths and evidences of grace in their lives and be inspired to grow in similar ways, but we need to be careful not to put too much emphasis on the doing, lest we stifle God's work in our hearts and lives. 

and really, these women I compare myself to aren't perfect either. they are human. but even still, the truth that we need to embrace isn't that they don't have it all together either, but that the solution is found when we look to God for our definition of perfection and our solution for our imperfection.

because to God, being the perfect woman isn't as important as being a faithful one.

the good news is, he is perfect for us, and we are made perfect in him. because no matter how hard we try, we will never be perfect, this side of heaven. and how much freedom should come in believing that our savior knows our imperfections and loves us anyway. because he has ransomed us.

i want to live my life embracing where i am, so that i can move forward.

i want to remember that while all different, we all have our strengths and our struggles. 

i want to cling to grace, and be free to strive for the perfection that matters.

and let's be women that live this truth out daily. fully and wholeheartedly clinging to the cross, covered by his grace, and freed from the lies we so quickly let ourselves believe. free from the lies that will never bring us joy.

and lady, you are beautiful. 

you are fearfully and wonderfully made. 
and imperfect you is precious to him.

and he wants to make us whole. 

and he loves to make broken things beautiful.

by his grace, and for his glory.

love.

___

i'm taking part in Overcome the Lie's annual blog tour. it's such an honor to be a part of this series, to encourage women to rise up and overcome the lies so many of us fall victim to in our lives. be sure to check them out, because their heart for women is contagious. 

on seeing beauty in the next generation.

“Be soft. Do not let the world make you hard. Do not let pain make you hate. Do not let the bitterness steal your sweetness. Take pride that even though the rest of the world may disagree, you still believe it to be a beautiful place."

― pleasefindthis   

i want my daughter to know that she's beautiful. 

as she grows, i want to impart to her the truth that she is a precious, gorgeous, cherished child of God. that her worth is in so much more than appearance. and that she just needs to look in the mirror to see a masterpiece of an incredible Creator.

i want her to be confident in who she is, and the person she is ever-being shaped into. i want her to feel blessed and adored, regardless of how well she fits in with the current standards of the world, because she is beautiful. 

i want her to embrace her God-given beauty in a way that magnifies what's in her heart, and the good things that her soul is made of. so that she will learn to bring beauty to those around her, rooted firmly in the love of her Father.

i want her to, in turn, look into others and see the beauty that resides in all of us. the intricate design that reflects a well-stayed, loving hand. the grace that is extended to all, and the beauty that each of us possess. 

i want her to know and believe that a joyful soul shines through the test of time on this earth and this fragile body that wears so easily. 

and do you know how she'll learn it (or not)?

how she will shape her worldview on beauty and womanhood?

by watching me.

so today, i resolve to live the dreams i have for her, in front of her.

or try, as much as i can, every day.

because goodness, i want to teach her well.

love.

on seeing beauty in weakness: a hiatus.

"For like a shaft, clear and cold, the thought pierced him 
that in the end the Shadow was only a small and passing thing: 
there was light and high beauty for ever beyond its reach." 

— J.R.R. Tolkien (The Return of the King)

and just as fast as this started, it ends.

I knew that this topic was going to stretch me, and had hopes that I would grow during it. but I didn't expect the lesson to come so swiftly. or for it to be so raw.

friends, I am tired. and have been struggling to find the words for this challenge. some have come, but not enough--and not without their share of tears. 

I've been in the habit lately of stretching myself too thinly. asking too much of myself because of good intentions. thankfully I have a gracious husband that was kind to remind me that I can't do it all. or even nearly as much as I think I can. and, maybe I should consider taking a break, until I have enough to pour into it all that I want to.

so, I'm taking a break from this topic (before I even really get started). but I will be working on it in the background and when it's time, will be so excited to share it with you. for now, this blog will be simply little bits of our life and my heart. little snapshots of the beauty in my life.

because friends, I am weak.

I am overwhelmed by a lack of rest and an abundance of doing.

I am worn out.

but there is beauty in my weakness. because where I am weak, my god is strong.

so today, I am learning how to rest in the strength that is found in my redeemer.

and oh, it's humbling. 

I am not there yet. but today, I am choosing to see the beauty in my weakness. because there is something precious in knowing that though I am a flawed creature, there is hope. and that when come to the end of myself, there is only room to grow.

see you soon.

love.

31 days on seeing beauty (in yourself & others).

not too long ago, i wrote this post.

a post about my insecurities and my struggle to accept myself for who i am (and without makeup). about learning to see my fresh face with a little more beauty, and to embrace the person that I was created to be.

and, to be honest, this topic stretched me. 

because this is not the sort of thing i usually write about. and because learning to see yourself as beautiful, just as you are, in this world that we live in, is hard. it's hard to wade through the promotion of perfection and the thousands of others we have to compare ourselves to every day without feeling left wanting.

whether you are thin or not, young or old (or getting old), married or single, a mother or not--it's something we all struggle with, in our own way. and, i think it's time we break free from it.

free from comparing ourselves to other women.

free from criticizing every little imperfection.

free from mentally tearing other women down to make ourselves feel better.

free from having our worth tied to what size we are, or how flawless our face is.

free to believe that we can love ourselves despite our imperfections, and others can too.

ladies, we are enough.

and so, i'm joining in on the 31-day challenge to blog every day for the month of october, on this topic. to revolutionize my view of beauty and worth. to embrace who i am and learn to flourish in this body and behind this face. and to hopefully encourage us to embrace ourselves, and love ourselves, in view of who we really are.

we are a soul that is growing. 

blossoming.

redeemed.

and loved,

fiercely. 

so that we can spend our our days inspired by the beauty in us, and women around us. to celebrate the differences we have as endless facets of this glorious creation. 

to allow us to take some time to just be.

(sometimes) fresh-faced and free. 

i hope you'll join me on this journey, because you are beautiful, and i want you to see it too.

love.

p.s. i'm planning to talk about lots of practical things, as well--because there is something exhilarating about putting effort into looking beautiful. and Lord knows i need inspiration, too.

on hitting reset.

last night proved to be one not made of sleep.

the little lady is teething, and has been for weeks with no progress in sight. the poor thing wakes constantly, whining, moaning and wanting to nurse each time. my mama heart aches for her--she still has a sweet and happy disposition despite her discomfort, but she's had a go of it for sure.

this morning, I was tired. really, it was less graceful than that and more like haggard. my groggy, scratchy voice cut through the morning air in more ways than one as I snapped at coen for being too rough with his sister. even though he wasn't trying to be mean. 

oh, his face. and oh, my heart. 

my selfishness smacked me in the face, along with a reminder that I have countless reasons to be thankful, joyful even, in the midst of this sleepless season. one of these reasons was staring back at me, his eyes full of hurt.

I realized that I needed to hit the reset button. 

____

recently, I read somewhere (I wish I could remember where) about the idea--and sometimes the necessity--of "hitting reset" on your day. just starting it over, and letting the first attempt(s) go. I tend to fall easily into self-pity when I feel I've been less than I should, and this idea of just wiping the slate and starting fresh was revolutionary. but honestly I hadn't given much thought to it since.  

but today, I did. and then I had to hit it a few more times. but you know what? it worked. my attitude shifted, and my goal changed. it was no longer to have my children be quiet so I could rest, but that my speech and tone and actions were loving and my heart was thankful and that my children felt loved. 

this. this active pursuit of changing my thoughts to reflect what I know is right and who I want to be, is what I want to win out in those moments of weakness. to turn from my sin, instead of dwelling on it.

in my devotions this morning, I read this: 

"fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name, and you are mine." 

- Isaiah 43:1b

I want to rest in this, remembering whose I am, and who loves me right where I am. I am his, despite how many times I have to start my day over. and I can start my day over, because I am his. 

love.

seizing a moment (or at least a half).

confession: i don't take very good care of myself.

i've been blessed with a generally-healthy disposition, i avoid doctors unless it's unavoidable and, at times, i'm pretty sure i think i'm invincible. but the reality is that i barely exercise, drink more coffee than water in a day unless i pay attention, and get sick pretty frequently. 

yes, we've had our share of crazy around here the past few years. we've lived through serious health issues, church planting, financial strain, losing a baby, welcoming a baby, and the normal bits of life mixed in. so yes, i think i've been perpetually exhausted for the past three years.

but it's more than that.

when it comes to caring for myself (both physically and spiritually), i've learned how lazy i can really be. it's so much easier to just watch a movie after running around with these two little ones, keeping up trying to get a handle on laundry, the dishes and the food off the floor. there are so many excuses readily available for me to pick and choose from, and allow me to forgo what i really need. 

it's come to a head lately--my body has been freaking out on me, and my emotions have been of the out-of-control-barely-hanging-on variety more than i'd like to admit. so, something had to change. and i've made some progress! i've been working out fairly regularly (for me at least), limiting myself to two (okay, sometimes three) cups of coffee a day, and doing some other things to help get myself in a little better shape. it's helped some, too.

but what i've realized is that my heart needs to be in the right place, along with my motivation, for any of it to really take effect, or even really matter. let me explain: 

i want to be a good steward of all the things i've been blessed with--this body, this mind, this husband, these children, and this life. but most importantly, i want to be a good steward with the most precious gift i've been given in the redeeming love of the gospel. 

and if that's my desire, then i need to start there. with my soul. and know that the rest will follow, as an overflow of the heart.

so what does this look like for me right now?

one//my quiet times have been short, but sweet. right now i'm mostly just following the #shereadstruth plans (i highly recommend it, ladies), with a little bit of spurgeon's morning & evening when i can. 

two//i think more of others when i consider what to eat or not eat, whether it's to ease my breastfed baby's gas, thinking of how i want to have energy to love and raise my children well ten years from now, or wanting my husband to delight in the fact that i am his. 

three//i think again of the long-term effects of not exercising when given the opportunity, and have found myself more resolute in taking time (even if it's twenty, interrupted minutes) to condition this aching body.

it's nothing special, or even impressive. but i'm starting somewhere and i've seen so much fruit already. i've witnessed a transformation in the way i see things, the way i respond (or more importantly, don't respond) and am so encouraged. 

i feel as if i have been refreshed in my vision for my life, in so many areas. recentering my thoughts on what matters most has allowed for all the other things to dim, just a little, and it has wet my appetite for more. 

so how do i want to grow? 

one//spend longer in the word, and incorporate extended time for payer, journaling and memorizing scripture. i also want to be working through a book in the evenings (like maybe finishing one thousand gifts, finally).

two//cut out more sugar and maybe some caffeine from my day. sugar (usually in the form of coffee) is my crutch when i tired or overwhelmed, and just makes me feel more gross. i've known i need to cut it out for awhile now, so it's time.

three//exercise three times a week. even if it's short. just that basic discipline alone will help me achieve a lot of my goals, i know. and while it's still shoot out, be prepared to see a lot of instagrams of yoga mats and atoning yoga. 

if you think of it, ask me how i'm doing in these areas. lord knows, i need accountability. :)

love. 

8.8.13

"How can it be a large career to tell other people's children about the Rule of Three, 

and a small career to tell one's own children about the universe?

How can it be broad to be the same thing to everyone, 

and narrow to be everything to someone? 

No. 

A woman's function is laborious, 

but because it is gigantic, 

not because it is minute. 

I will pity Mrs. Jones for the hugeness of her task; 

I will never pity her for its smallness.” 

- g.k. chesterton

counting these moments (and this task) as precious today. lest they fly past without imprinting themselves on my heart.

love.

overwhelmed.

"rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you. do not quench the spirit."

 - 1 thessalonians 5:16-19 

you're never done growing.

i know this far from being a new concept, but it's a fresh reminder for me today.

there has been a battle waging in my heart these past few days..
a tugging.
a battle.

between self.
selfishness versus selflessness.

at times, i feel a little crazy. 

i bounce between thankfulness and thanklessness.

sometimes within the same breath.

speaking truth to myself in the midst of a struggle is not something i'm very good at.

or more accurately, actually listening to the truth i'm spewing at myself more often than not is a weakness i still have.

still, i have been overwhelmed by how blessed i am. over and over. because, i forget.
so incredibly blessed.

by our little family.

with two healthy children.
in our little house.
full of more things than we need.
full of healthy food for us to eat.
and so full of love.

what more do i need?

and yet, it's just not enough. more than i'd like to admit.

so, what more do i need?

i need the holy spirit. 

to breathe life into my bones.
to call me to the Word and to meditate on its promises that can satisfy like nothing else.
to turn this heart back into clay, when the dry air of life starts to harden it into stone once more.
to remind me of the cross.

so that extending grace is my first response.
because i see all the grace extended to me.

grace that i didn't deserve.
that i don't deserve.

but by God's kindness, is mine.

so today, will you life me up in prayer?
i want this desire to be my reality.

before the goodness of this life gobbles up my attention once again.

because this good is not the greatest.
this temporal is not eternal.

this life will not in itself satisfy.

and that, my friends, is just fine by me.

love. 

on being you (& being okay with it).

when I was younger, I was terribly self conscious.

like, can't go anywhere without makeup, self conscious.

sometimes, it was paralyzing.

I thought I was fat, when I was a size one.

I thought I was ugly, when comparing myself with almost anyone.

I thought I was unlikeable, and even less loveable.

having baby number two has brought back some old-time insecurities. 

my hair is falling out in clumps.

my skin is hanging around in lumps.

and from lack of sleep, my emotions are sure to make me less than like able sometimes.

but you know what?

for the first time in my life, I'm starting to embrace it.

my stretch marks are starting to look a little more like tiger stripes.

my hips are starting to look a little more flattering.

my bare face is starting to look a little more beautiful. 

this. this is because I am learning ever more to find my worth in my savior. 

to see the beauty in me, that I see all around me in so many facets on god's creation.

and, I think, because I see my soul a little more in the mirror.

a soul that is growing. 

blossoming.

redeemed.

and loved,

fiercely. 

so today, I encourage you (& mostly me).

take some time to just be.

fresh-faced and free. 

because you are beautiful. 

love.

on death & hope.

there are far, far better things ahead than any we leave behind 

- c.s. lewis

recently, some of the people dearest to my heart lost someone that was dearest to theirs. 

an anchor. 

a father. 

a friend.

just days within the anniversary of when i lost mine. making the memory even fresher.

oh, how my heart ached for them.

and how it still aches.

still, i've struggled to find the words to say.

i've come up wanting. so wanting.

so wordless.

instead, all i could do was pray.

______

these past few weeks, i've been thinking a lot about death.

not in a morbid sense--it's just the more life I live, the more fragile it seems. like if i stretched my fingers high enough, up on the tips of my toes, i could touch heaven.

it's true, i think. 

that this life of ours is fragile.

thin.

like tissue paper in the breeze.

______

on mother's day, our pastor took a detour from our scheduled passage and preached on proverbs 31:25b.

"she laughs at the time to come."

she laughs.

she laughs at the unknown.

she laughs at death.

she laughs.

it was such a good and timely reminder, after finding myself at times conflicted over the prior weeks. a reminder to count the joy in today, and look to the future brightly. confidently.

because if there is loss--no, when there is loss. when there is grief. there is hope.

hope of a life fully lived.
hope of the pain of this life finally at ease.
hope of a life ahead.

better than anything we have come to know here.

dear friends, this life is beautiful.
but thin.
fragile.

so breathe it in. 

because, it's just an echo of what's to come.

♥

______

love.

*photo by nick schlax

thankful (it's never too late).

With Thanksgiving just recently passed, I've been pondering a lot on what it means to be thankful, and things that I'm thankful for. In doing this, I've realized how often I can fail to see how much there is to be thankful for, and have even been more conscious in looking for things as they arise.

And because of it, my heart is full.

While looking towards this (favorite) holiday season with much anticipation, I've found myself recalling our life last year--last year was riddled with ER visits and hospital stays.

It's times like this when I'm even more thankful for this little blog and the opportunity it's given me to chronicle our lives. This is from December thirteenth of last year:

so again, we wait. we wait until this works itself out, he gets better and we can go back home. it could be tomorrow, or a few days. with everything up in the air, again, life has been put on hold.

some good news is that we're back on the surgical floor, which means we are surrounded by nurses and NAs that know us well and greeted us as warmly as old friends would. in a way, it's a sort of homey being back here (please take "in a way" strongly for as you know, hospitals and homey are in no large way synonymous) and has been much easier of a transition knowing he is so well cared for, by people who know and care much for him.

although this is not what we had in mind for us right now, we are trusting that this is not in vain, that there is a purpose in this. and again, we have been overwhelmed by the outpouring of care, concern and encouragement by you all. knowing there are so many praying for us has been freshly humbling.

what a strange mix of hardship and joy it is to experience so many practical expressions of God's love for us through your calls, texts, scriptures, emails and visits. we are grateful beyond words, and feel utterly undeserving of this love from so many wonderful people.

it has made this ordeal not only bearable, but peaceful. and has made me newly aware of how richly blessed we are.

It seems so long ago that I wrote this. So far away from the reality that we find ourselves in now, and yet this was our life up until just a few months ago.

In reading this, it struck me--if we could be so thankful in such a season, how much more should we be in the present?

Somehow I still find myself lacking thankfulness sometimes. But today, my joy and contentment in this new chapter of our lives has only increased, as I think of all that we have. And that although it is by no means easy or perfect, it is so very full of hope and evident of God's grace.

God loves his children well. For them, there is always hope. And there is always grace.

And that alone is reason enough to be thankful.

love. 

learning to encourage.

This week I've had a glimpse of what life was like with a brain--before this pregnancy, that is. The feeling of being able to think clearly and get things done is one that's been sorely missed these past few months. I'm hoping it's here to stay for a little longer.

And so here I sit, using this brain to try to think of something to say. Coming out of a writing rut is hard. Words never flow as easily as before. But, here is my attempt nonetheless. Because I have been learning a lot these past few weeks. Especially in the way of communication, expectations, my heart and my way-overzealous emotions.

With so much busyness, sickness and pregnancy hormones in the air, it's been pretty chaotic around here. And that has lent itself to heightened, messy conversation and communication in our home. Which is not something we're used to. It's been emotional, and it's been hard.

And as the weeks have gone by, I've started to realize that it is mostly my fault.

My selfishness has become much bigger to me. Somewhere along the way, selfishness began to take a bigger part in shaping my attitude towards life, and my words towards my family. What I felt I deserved started to become paramount in any situation. And feeling loved and appreciated was at the forefront of my interactions.

At some point, it hit me--how I felt became more important to me than the people I love most in this world.

In general, I have a tendency to talk too much. In a effort to fully convey my thoughts, motives and emotions, I over talk the situation. I beat the horse until it's glue. And at the end of it, I usually don't even know what I was trying to say in the first place. So I just cry. And, being pregnant makes times like these exponentially bigger. Like everything else.

Nick, on the other hand, does not. He prefers to think before he speaks. And tries to help me do the same. Though, we have come to the conclusion that "Baby, just calm down," doesn't do much good in the heat of my emotional throws.

Feel free to pray for my husband.

He's right though. I am only serving myself when I feel the need to hotly express every shred of emotion and thought process that I'm going through in order to make him understand. I say too much, and I say it badly. I'm learning that it is at this moment that I need to pause. To collect my thoughts and grasp for those too-big emotions to come back down.

Oh, how hard it is to tame this tongue of mine.

The funny thing is, I would consider myself the encourager in our relationship. Being the far more vocal one in our marriage, I say plenty of encouraging things on a pretty regular basis. I'm quick to thank him for his hard work, acknowledge him for what he's done and just tell him nice things whenever they come to mind. That sounds good, right?

Communication is a funny, though. I'm starting to learn that to be an effective encourager, in my situation at least, what I don't say is more important than what I do.

Because even though I express my thankfulness and appreciation to him, and while I maintain that it is an important thing to do, I also bombard him with everything else that's going on in my mind and heart. Yes, pretty much all of it. While I don't want to start throwing out blanket statements, I think that this is something that women in general tend towards. And something that men don't.

And so no matter how many nice things I say, they are overshadowed by the multitude of my struggles and frustrations that I feel so strongly that I need to "share" with him on any given day. My encouraging words are lost when my attitude implies that I am not content in my circumstances.

When my husband comes home from working hard all day, after getting not enough sleep for countless nights, I'm learning that "I'm so tired," isn't what blesses him to hear. Yes, I know. Profound.

And really, despite my sin, that's what my heart wants. To make him feel supported, loved and encouraged. To serve him selflessly, without the desire of recognition or reward getting in the way. I want our children to grow up in a home where they see sacrificial love and selfless service as a means of grace and joy in their parents' lives.

We are I am definitely not there yet. But by God's grace, I'm getting closer. And my prayer is for the continual growth in disciplining my tongue, of thinking before I speak, so that when I can express my love and encouragement to my husband that works so hard for us, he'll be able to hear it.

love.

provision: daily bread.

There has been quite a lot going on these past few weeks.

Last week, Nick started his new job. For some of you, that might not seem like it deserves italics. But oh, it does. This is the first time he has not been self-employed since we've been married (really, since he was in high school). What does this mean for us? Financial stability. Money. Provision.

And a there is a weightlessness about my husband that I haven't seen in a long time.

For awhile now, finances have been tight for us. Nick has been working most of the day and night, every day. Still, it has been a season of little means. We are at the end of what has been yet another facet of a long trial for us. But through it, we've learned even more.

We have learned how to pray more fervently.

The idea of "daily bread" has become real to me. The normal needs of life have filled out our prayers in a way that, by the grace of God, we have never faced before. And it has caused us to live much more in the present--something that doesn't always come naturally to me.

But no matter what are needs, God is never late. This is a truth that we have learned over and over again.

And here we are--Nick well and strong, a baby on the way, a part-time income (I got a job too!) and a full-time income. This is the stuff our dreams have been made of for the past few years.

I've started reading E.M. Bounds's books on prayer. It's been such a confirmation to what I've been feeling my prayer life should look like. Even within the first two chapters of the first book, I was so encouraged. It spoke to me in this season of want that we have found ourselves, where today's needs have become a reality.

I want to share some of it with you. And, as a forewarning, there will probably be more where this came from in the coming days. It's a long quote, but bear with me. It's so good.

Faith covers temporal as well as spiritual needs. Faith dispels all undue anxiety and needless care about what shall be eaten, what shall be drunk, what shall be worn. Faith lives in the present, and regards the day as being sufficient unto the evil thereof. It lives day by day, and dispels all fears for the morrow. Faith brings great ease of mind and perfect peace of heart.

Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on thee: because he trusted in thee.

When we pray, "Give us this day our daily bread," we are, in a measure, shutting tomorrow out of our prayer. We do not live in tomorrow but in today. We do not seek tomorrow's grace or tomorrow's bread. They thrive best, and get most out of life, who live in the living present. They pray best who pray for today's needs, not for tomorrow's, which may render our prayers unnecessary and redundant by not existing at all!

True prayers are born of present trials and present needs. Bread, for today, is bread enough. Bread given for today is the strongest sort of pledge that there will be bread tomorrow. Victory today, is the assurance of victory tomorrow. Our prayers need to be focused upon the present. We must trust God today, and leave the morrow entirely with him. The present is ours; the future belongs to God. Prayer is the task and duty of each recurring day--daily prayer for daily needs.

As every days demands its bread, so every day demands its prayer. No amount of praying, done today, will suffice for tomorrow's praying. On the other hand, no praying for tomorrow is of any great value to us today. Today's manna is what we need; tomorrow God will see that our needs are supplied. This is the faith which God seeks to inspire. So leave tomorrow, with its cares, its needs, its troubles, in God's hands. There is no storing tomorrow's grace or tomorrow's praying; neither is there any laying-up of today's grace, to meet tomorrow's necessities. We cannot have tomorrow's grace, we cannot eat tomorrow's bread, we cannot do tomorrow's praying. Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof; and, most assuredly, if we possess faith, sufficient also, will be the good. 

- E.M. Bounds, The Necessity of Prayer (emphasis mine)

Of course, there is a place for prayer on larger matters that span past today. But his point is well made. We can cast our cares for tomorrow on the one that knows our every need. This day that we are in is a gift and we must not waste it. We must live in the present. We must live in faith for God's provision.

And oh, how he does provide.

love.

new sponsor & giveaway: atoning yoga.

you guys, i am so excited to share my first sponsor with you.

i love yoga--i always have. but since becoming a christian, i've struggled with elements of it. i should probably explain why.

growing up, i was exposed to a lot of new age spirituality and embraced much of it. i was enticed by it, and it nearly ruined me, but for the grace of god. now, i tend to be extra sensitive to it all. sometimes, the scars of my past are still fresh. so being around it doesn't sit well with me.

because of this, when i practice yoga--in the moments of relaxation and focusing on energy and the like--i tend to be distracted, trying to bring to mind scriptures and prayers. trying to ignore what the teacher is saying when it is something i don't agree with, but still listening so i don't keep missing the instructions. and with that, i've been feeling really conflicted. but i just kept trying to reconcile the two.

until now.

"We believe that yoga, like all other things in our lives, should be used to glorify God." 

- Atoning Yoga

when i read this, my heart leapt a little. this puts what i've been feeling into words perfectly.
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the Extending Grace DVD is fantastic. the theme of the workouts is drawn from Colossians 4:6:

Let your speech always be gracious, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how you ought to answer each person.

i don't know about you, but this is really something i've realized i need to work on. making my words be graceful. to encourage, and not tear down.

there are three workouts lengths to choose from: 15, 30 and 45 minutes. so even if you have only a little bit of time, you can fit it in. it opens and closes with prayer, and each breath is breathed in a repetitive prayer that our words would be full of grace.

the workouts are great for beginners, but have modifications for those of us you that are more advanced. it's a good workout, but it's also so relaxing and calming. 

i feel encouraged throughout the whole routine--both physically and spiritually. at the end, your body feels revived and your soul feels refreshed.

in other words, i am a fan.

so it's with great excitement that i announce that Atoning Yoga has agreed to give one of you lovely readers a free copy of the Extending Grace DVD!

----

a Rafflecopter giveaway

i just love lauren's heart to spur fellow believers on in their relationship with god by combining yoga with the meditation on god's word. she understands that the potential benefits of yoga on our spiritual walk are amplified when focused around biblical truths.

the giveaway is closed. thanks to everyone who entered. the winner will be announced monday morning!

love.

a bit caught up.

recently, i've felt a slight battle in my soul. i've gotten caught up by the allure of blogging.

what i mean is, as i've come across so many vintage-dwelling, crafty, fashionable, witty, lovely bloggers, i've started to find myself discontent. i've started wanting what they have, including the number of followers, sponsors, and the like.

with it, i've found myself comparing this blog, and my life, to theirs (or what i perceive it to be). and, i've found mine wanting. but today i realized that this is what happens when comparisons are drawn. when desire trumps the calling of god on your life.

comparison is nothing new for me. and i've just found another medium to practice it.

so, i asked myself. why am i really here?

i'm here because i feel called to write. to share my heart on these pages, and have it beat furiously when i hit the publish button, knowing that a bit of my soul has been laid bare.

i'm here because i want to share this life that god has blessed me with. and the message of this life to be clear. that my heart is for god. my hope is that my words will encourage others, and that my life to point them to the joy i have found.

to do this well, i must be content where the lord has called me for this season.

there are plenty of blogs out there with numerous followers that cling to every word and photo they post. and, i'm glad for them. and maybe one day that will be the fate of this little blog. but that's not what god has for today.

today, my words are meant only for you. to encourage you. to remind you that you are not alone. and that you have one more friend, in me. and that is a high calling.

and, well, to share with you a few more photos of a little boy that, given the chance, would quickly become your best friend.

in this, i must learn to be content. i must decrease. he must increase.

"Only let each person lead the life that the Lord has assigned to him, and to which God has called him." - 1 Corinthians 7:17a

so, dear friends, please bear with me as i find my place in these wide webs of internet. as i swing from lots of words not not very many. as i try my hand at numerous topics, hoping to find a few good fits. as i learn what the lord is calling me to in this stage of my life, and how to live that out.

and to not only be content in the process, but to embrace it.

love.

i won't forget.

"The Lord gives, and the Lord has taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord." - Job 1:21

i think it's time for me to write about it.

it's been just over four months since we lost our second baby, emery. but it seems longer. like enough time has passed for a haze to settle over it all. but then, there are still moments when it's as fresh as when we watched the little heart beat on the ultrasound, and knew it wouldn't last.

it was a whirlwind happening in the midst of the rest of a life that was full with illness and struggle, but it has left it's imprint on us as if it was a long-lasting season.

i want to write about this to remember. we have no pictures. no tangible evidence that our baby existed. just a name. yet emery will always have a place in our life. a mark on our hearts.

and now having experienced miscarriage, it seems like a whole new world has appeared. it's one that isn't often talked about, filled of others that have experienced the same (and many have been even further along). for them, i hope this will be an encouragement, and that what the lord showed me so clearly through it all would be a comfort to you. no matter how new or old your pain may be.

because we serve a faithful god.
____

we weren't trying to have a baby. it wasn't the right time--we were spending so much time in the hospital, finances were beyond tight, and it felt like we could hardly take good enough care of the little one we already had. we both wanted another baby, but we knew it wouldn't be the best thing to try to take on in the current season.

on christmas morning, we found out i was pregnant. i had my suspicions felt pregnant for weeks. but it was still a shock. and despite the ill-timing, we were elated.

the next few weeks our life seemed brighter. the unexpected gift of another little one had reminded us of how blessed we were, and how kind god had been to us on our journey. we were distracted from the exhaustion as we thought about how our little family was going to grow. and what a great big brother c. would be.

then, i started bleeding. and then it got worse.

i made an appointment to see the doctor. i was already expecting the worst, but trying to trust god nonetheless. i reminded myself over and over that his hand was on our lives. all of them.

at the doctor, they did an ultrasound. although i was still pregnant, she warned us that there might not be a heart beat. and then we saw it. the strong beat on the monitor. immediately, my heart and eyes were flooded. there's our baby, i thought. we're looking at our baby.

it was one of the most bittersweet moments of my entire life. 

having those minutes. seeing our baby, was amazing. but knowing that our baby was still alive, and my body was trying to remove it was unbearable. to be honest, i'm still struggling with this part of it.

then came the news. the sac looked too small, and other things (like the awful amount of bleeding that i was having) caused a frown to settle on my doctor's face.

"there's still a chance", she said. "there's still a chance that things might be okay, but prepare yourself that it most likely won't be."

we went home. and i wept.

that night my symptoms got worse. as nick held me, through the tears i asked, how could god do this to us? how could he give us this baby, right now, and then take it away? haven't we been through enough? why now?

i was hurt, scared, and broken. but what was worse, i was angry at god for allowing this to happen.

nick prayed for me. he read me scripture. he held me tight. then, he simply replied, "god is in control. this is god's child, and any amount of time that he entrusts us with one of his children is a gift. one that we should be humbled by and thankful for."

we went back to the doctor two days later. there was no movement on the monitor.

after having symptoms of a miscarriage for almost a week, we elected for a d&e the next day. my body was exhausted and i don't know if it would have even continued on it's own.

we had already begun to grieve, and it was time for us to let go.
___

the fear of miscarrying has been with me ever since i knew i wanted to have children. when i was pregnant with c., the fear was almost paralyzing at times. i couldn't imagine how i could survive such a terrible trial. but you know what? god was faithful then, and he is faithful now.

i survived. and somehow, am better because of it. & i will cherish those few months with our sweet child.

and through this, i have learned even more deeply what it means to trust the path that god has laid before me. that there is nothing that will separate me from his love, and nothing that he will give me that is too great to bear. there are still days when i will remember our child, and the tears will flow. my heart will ache. but that's okay, because there is joy mingled with the pain, knowing that we had that brief moment in time together.

untitled
surprise.
an unknown life 
growing inside, thriving
until it's not. until the little heart
beats quickly on the screen. as if to say i'm still
here, don't make me go away.
until it's not.
until it's gone.  

i break.

dear emery, we may have only had you for a short time, but you were such a sweet blessing. we'll never stop missing you, little one. until we see you again.

love.