on learning to be silent.

"the one who doesn't know how or when to be silent doesn't know how or when to speak."   - donald whitney

there are words that won't come out.
so many thoughts swirling, stories still untold, and emotions that are begging to be let through words.

so many times i've tried to let them out, but nothing comes. i feel the urge to get my thoughts out, with such a strong desire to communicate in the way that my soul does best, and still my hands are still from writing and are clenched more than i'd like to admit. and still my mouth is forming words that aren't anywhere near what i'd hoped for.

some days only dry words lacking hope pass through my lips, unrestrained.

i've never been good at silence. i struggle to wade through five conflicting thoughts at once--some trivial, some life-changing, and a growing number anxious--and the noise quickly leaves me disoriented. so, i distract myself with anything i can and usually nothing that is beneficial for me--a chatter of netflix, social media, texting, and anything else i can grab onto mindlessly.

i know that none of these things are wrong on their own, and many have been tools of grace more than once in my life. but this perpetual stimulation of superficiality has only eaten away at my nerves and emotions. it has left them bare and misfiring.

whether i want to admit it or not, i need the quiet--my soul needs it. to sit in silence and listen, not to myself, but to the truth that is hidden in the depths. to meditate on all the words that God has spoken and use them as a lens, to filter all that the world and life and my own mind are throwing at me, instead of butting in--trying to drown out the chaos--with my own weak voice.

"come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest." - matthew 11:28

i wish it came easily for me to be comfortable in the silence.
i wish that my ear was naturally tuned to hear that still, small voice speaking peace and grace to me.
instead my instinct is to struggle against the silence and when i do, a frustrated string of dissonant chords rifle around and cause so much chaos in my soul that i am only left more wanting, and raw.

as i've been working towards cultivating the discipline i know i need to overcome, i've started to see some of what's at the heart of this struggle. in my need for distraction from the noise, and for self-interjection during those quiet pauses, i'm fighting against God. it's in these times when i need my soul to be silent before him the most, and not surprisingly, where i find myself resisting it most fiercely. the more i resist, the more off-track i find myself.

and it usually ends in burst of hopeless, self-centered prattle, followed by a puddle of tears.

so here i am, in a new month and new day, and i'm trying to learn how to train these thoughts to cease (if only for little snippets of time). i'm working on opening my hands--letting the muscles relax when the urge to wring them comes--when the words don't and the chaos creeps in. and as i learn to stop my words that lack so much grace, leaving a pause for them to give way to graceful words that string themselves into prayers.

prayers for humility and strength, to not only be okay with the silence, but to embrace it. because i know that the more i seek (and ultimately find) rest in the arms of my God who is able to breathe peace into my mind, the more i will be comfortable in this skin, and with the words it breathes and writes.

it might be a little bit quiet for a little bit longer around here, but it's in hopes that fresh words will eventually flow and that they will be words full of life and hope, pointing to the source from where i draw my very breath.

love.

welcome, 2013.

It's still January, so this is still relevant, right?

I mentioned before how much I like the idea of setting goals to usher in the new year. And so I've been thinking and praying about how I want to approach this new year, and how I can do it so that I actually follow through.

And my mind has come up with 4594258364 different things--from spiritual disciples, to personal appearance, to totally reorganizing (read: hyper organizing) our life. I blame it on hormones.

I've finally managed to whittle it down, to focus on a few things that I feel would help both my character and my daily life improve, and ultimately be more God-glorifying. And while the list goes on and on of things I want to change/accomplish, I've finally narrowed it down to a few, hopefully attainable, goals.

One: Read through the Bible at least once this year. I used to do this pretty regularly, but the last two years I've totally lost it and have been floating aimlessly around between the old and new testaments, without much substantive reading. And it's definitely taken it's toll on my quiet times. I think having a plan laid out will really help.

Two: Read more. Period. Once upon a time, I knew how to read. Okay, that might be an exaggeration of my lack of reading, but not by much. I want to carve out some time each day, or at least every few days to read books. Of all kinds. And actually finish them. Hopefully I can learn to even take advantage of baby feeding sessions to do this.

Three: Meal plan. This is something I've been working on a lot lately (and actually improving in!). It's been so helpful in relieving stress during the day when I have it all planned out, so with a new baby in the mix, I definitely want to get even better at this.

Oh, and last but not least? Have a baby.

I've got this.

I'd love to hear what you're planning on working on this coming year! And also any suggestions you might have for this very pregnant mama.

love.

provision: daily bread.

There has been quite a lot going on these past few weeks.

Last week, Nick started his new job. For some of you, that might not seem like it deserves italics. But oh, it does. This is the first time he has not been self-employed since we've been married (really, since he was in high school). What does this mean for us? Financial stability. Money. Provision.

And a there is a weightlessness about my husband that I haven't seen in a long time.

For awhile now, finances have been tight for us. Nick has been working most of the day and night, every day. Still, it has been a season of little means. We are at the end of what has been yet another facet of a long trial for us. But through it, we've learned even more.

We have learned how to pray more fervently.

The idea of "daily bread" has become real to me. The normal needs of life have filled out our prayers in a way that, by the grace of God, we have never faced before. And it has caused us to live much more in the present--something that doesn't always come naturally to me.

But no matter what are needs, God is never late. This is a truth that we have learned over and over again.

And here we are--Nick well and strong, a baby on the way, a part-time income (I got a job too!) and a full-time income. This is the stuff our dreams have been made of for the past few years.

I've started reading E.M. Bounds's books on prayer. It's been such a confirmation to what I've been feeling my prayer life should look like. Even within the first two chapters of the first book, I was so encouraged. It spoke to me in this season of want that we have found ourselves, where today's needs have become a reality.

I want to share some of it with you. And, as a forewarning, there will probably be more where this came from in the coming days. It's a long quote, but bear with me. It's so good.

Faith covers temporal as well as spiritual needs. Faith dispels all undue anxiety and needless care about what shall be eaten, what shall be drunk, what shall be worn. Faith lives in the present, and regards the day as being sufficient unto the evil thereof. It lives day by day, and dispels all fears for the morrow. Faith brings great ease of mind and perfect peace of heart.

Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on thee: because he trusted in thee.

When we pray, "Give us this day our daily bread," we are, in a measure, shutting tomorrow out of our prayer. We do not live in tomorrow but in today. We do not seek tomorrow's grace or tomorrow's bread. They thrive best, and get most out of life, who live in the living present. They pray best who pray for today's needs, not for tomorrow's, which may render our prayers unnecessary and redundant by not existing at all!

True prayers are born of present trials and present needs. Bread, for today, is bread enough. Bread given for today is the strongest sort of pledge that there will be bread tomorrow. Victory today, is the assurance of victory tomorrow. Our prayers need to be focused upon the present. We must trust God today, and leave the morrow entirely with him. The present is ours; the future belongs to God. Prayer is the task and duty of each recurring day--daily prayer for daily needs.

As every days demands its bread, so every day demands its prayer. No amount of praying, done today, will suffice for tomorrow's praying. On the other hand, no praying for tomorrow is of any great value to us today. Today's manna is what we need; tomorrow God will see that our needs are supplied. This is the faith which God seeks to inspire. So leave tomorrow, with its cares, its needs, its troubles, in God's hands. There is no storing tomorrow's grace or tomorrow's praying; neither is there any laying-up of today's grace, to meet tomorrow's necessities. We cannot have tomorrow's grace, we cannot eat tomorrow's bread, we cannot do tomorrow's praying. Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof; and, most assuredly, if we possess faith, sufficient also, will be the good. 

- E.M. Bounds, The Necessity of Prayer (emphasis mine)

Of course, there is a place for prayer on larger matters that span past today. But his point is well made. We can cast our cares for tomorrow on the one that knows our every need. This day that we are in is a gift and we must not waste it. We must live in the present. We must live in faith for God's provision.

And oh, how he does provide.

love.

blessed (by you).

when i was a little girl, i used to love making new friends.

i was a dancer then. not a real dancer, but a wear tappy dress shoes everywhere and pretend i knew how to tap-dance dancer. i danced everywhere. especially up and down the grocery store isles. after my performances, i would bask in the applause of random old women. then, i would turn to my mother and say,

mommy, all my friends love me.

i wasn't full of myself (though i really did think i was a fantastic dancer). i just honestly thought i had made new friends. & that they loved me. & i loved them.

fast forward 25+ years.

i have been overwhelmed by the love & care shown to our little family during the past few years of sickness & hardship. by the community of friends & fellow believers that has helped sustain us. encourage us. edify us. for them, i am so very thankful.

because of them, i have learned even more deeply what it means to be, and have, friends.

and now, there's you. the countless friends & readers that have reached into my life & touched me in such a profound way. you have encouraged me. you have prayed for us.

you have become a part of my life.

for that, i want to say thank you. for listening to my ramblings & my heart. without judgement, instead with love & encouragement. it has blessed me immensely, knowing that you care enough to read about all the lord is doing in our lives.

well, friends. now it's my turn. i want to know who you are. i want to be able to spend time in prayer for you. i want to thank God for each of you. for your time spent caring for & thinking of me. of our family that has been through so much. that has been held up by the prayers of the saints.

so please, take a minute. leave a comment. tell me who you are. 

whether i have heard from you or not (some of you are so very faithful to comment--thank you!), i want to hear from you now. whether you are new here, or have been with me since the beginning (when i constantly forgot about you). whether you are family, old friends, new friends, or could-be friends. i want you to know how thankful i am for you.

i want to return the favor, ever so much.

much, much love.