on longing for peace.

"If we find ourselves with a desire that nothing in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that we were made for another world." - c.s. lewis

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"He has made everything beautiful in his time. Also, he has put eternity into man's heart, yet so that he cannot find out what God has done from the beginning to the end." - ecclesiastes 3:11

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as my years on this earth increase,

my heart learns to lean in more, to love deeper. 

to go further in.

I watch as my sweet babes grow older--

the future creeps into the present, and just as quickly bleeds into the past. 

at times, the weight of brokenness in this life overwhelms me. 

I can almost feel the groaning of our imperfect earth--heavy with the blood of innocents, the pain of the alienated, the tears of the grieving. 

and in the quiet of the night, are moments I find myself aching--for the day of redemption, perfection.

for the revelation of the love that binds the broken into beauty. 

my heart whispers: come quickly, lord Jesus. 

and then, the sun rises. 

filling the dark with light, uncovering glimpses of beauty everywhere, waiting to be seen. 

new mercies to fill us for another day. 

and if we press into grace, we might just make it.

oh, God be with us.

overwhelmed.

"rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you. do not quench the spirit."

 - 1 thessalonians 5:16-19 

you're never done growing.

i know this far from being a new concept, but it's a fresh reminder for me today.

there has been a battle waging in my heart these past few days..
a tugging.
a battle.

between self.
selfishness versus selflessness.

at times, i feel a little crazy. 

i bounce between thankfulness and thanklessness.

sometimes within the same breath.

speaking truth to myself in the midst of a struggle is not something i'm very good at.

or more accurately, actually listening to the truth i'm spewing at myself more often than not is a weakness i still have.

still, i have been overwhelmed by how blessed i am. over and over. because, i forget.
so incredibly blessed.

by our little family.

with two healthy children.
in our little house.
full of more things than we need.
full of healthy food for us to eat.
and so full of love.

what more do i need?

and yet, it's just not enough. more than i'd like to admit.

so, what more do i need?

i need the holy spirit. 

to breathe life into my bones.
to call me to the Word and to meditate on its promises that can satisfy like nothing else.
to turn this heart back into clay, when the dry air of life starts to harden it into stone once more.
to remind me of the cross.

so that extending grace is my first response.
because i see all the grace extended to me.

grace that i didn't deserve.
that i don't deserve.

but by God's kindness, is mine.

so today, will you life me up in prayer?
i want this desire to be my reality.

before the goodness of this life gobbles up my attention once again.

because this good is not the greatest.
this temporal is not eternal.

this life will not in itself satisfy.

and that, my friends, is just fine by me.

love. 

on death & hope.

there are far, far better things ahead than any we leave behind 

- c.s. lewis

recently, some of the people dearest to my heart lost someone that was dearest to theirs. 

an anchor. 

a father. 

a friend.

just days within the anniversary of when i lost mine. making the memory even fresher.

oh, how my heart ached for them.

and how it still aches.

still, i've struggled to find the words to say.

i've come up wanting. so wanting.

so wordless.

instead, all i could do was pray.

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these past few weeks, i've been thinking a lot about death.

not in a morbid sense--it's just the more life I live, the more fragile it seems. like if i stretched my fingers high enough, up on the tips of my toes, i could touch heaven.

it's true, i think. 

that this life of ours is fragile.

thin.

like tissue paper in the breeze.

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on mother's day, our pastor took a detour from our scheduled passage and preached on proverbs 31:25b.

"she laughs at the time to come."

she laughs.

she laughs at the unknown.

she laughs at death.

she laughs.

it was such a good and timely reminder, after finding myself at times conflicted over the prior weeks. a reminder to count the joy in today, and look to the future brightly. confidently.

because if there is loss--no, when there is loss. when there is grief. there is hope.

hope of a life fully lived.
hope of the pain of this life finally at ease.
hope of a life ahead.

better than anything we have come to know here.

dear friends, this life is beautiful.
but thin.
fragile.

so breathe it in. 

because, it's just an echo of what's to come.

♥

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love.

*photo by nick schlax