f i v e.

five years ago today, i said yes to this man.

yes to sickness, health, poverty, wealth, and life in all it's forms.

we have faced more in these past five years than i ever imagined we could. we've spent weeks upon weeks in hospitals, and we've left those rooms behind. we've lost a child, and we've welcomed two. we've had seasons of barely making ends meet, as well as new seasons of a bit more means.

and through it, we endured. and we have loved.

he has loved me so well.

so often i find myself looking at him, wonder what made him see what he does in me. what it was that caught his attention, to love me like he does. because i don't deserve him. he sees the best in me, and encourages me to be all that i want to be. even when it would be easier to not, he pursues my good above his own.

and oh, he makes me laugh.

most days, i can't remember what life was like without him. but i do know that is was harder and lonelier and less. so much less.

because this man of mine, he is wise. he is logical, consistent and so steady. he has the ability to calm me like no one else.
he is kind.
loving.
gentle.
he is so many things that i am not, but want to be.

in short, this man is my hero. he is my joy and my partner.

he is far more than simply my best friend. he is everything i could have hoped for, and more.

happy anniversary, baby. here's to so many more years.

and no matter what they're filled with, i am blessed to share them with you.

love.

overwhelmed.

"rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you. do not quench the spirit."

 - 1 thessalonians 5:16-19 

you're never done growing.

i know this far from being a new concept, but it's a fresh reminder for me today.

there has been a battle waging in my heart these past few days..
a tugging.
a battle.

between self.
selfishness versus selflessness.

at times, i feel a little crazy. 

i bounce between thankfulness and thanklessness.

sometimes within the same breath.

speaking truth to myself in the midst of a struggle is not something i'm very good at.

or more accurately, actually listening to the truth i'm spewing at myself more often than not is a weakness i still have.

still, i have been overwhelmed by how blessed i am. over and over. because, i forget.
so incredibly blessed.

by our little family.

with two healthy children.
in our little house.
full of more things than we need.
full of healthy food for us to eat.
and so full of love.

what more do i need?

and yet, it's just not enough. more than i'd like to admit.

so, what more do i need?

i need the holy spirit. 

to breathe life into my bones.
to call me to the Word and to meditate on its promises that can satisfy like nothing else.
to turn this heart back into clay, when the dry air of life starts to harden it into stone once more.
to remind me of the cross.

so that extending grace is my first response.
because i see all the grace extended to me.

grace that i didn't deserve.
that i don't deserve.

but by God's kindness, is mine.

so today, will you life me up in prayer?
i want this desire to be my reality.

before the goodness of this life gobbles up my attention once again.

because this good is not the greatest.
this temporal is not eternal.

this life will not in itself satisfy.

and that, my friends, is just fine by me.

love. 

the broken bones.

last night, long after the rest of the near world breathed a deep sigh and began their slumber, i sat in bed.
awake.
hot tears loosed down my cheeks as i struggled to make sense of what was going on in my mind.

why did i feel so alone?

in an effort to quiet my soul, i picked up my phone and read the first passage that came up on my bible app.

"let me hear joy and gladness; let the bones that you have broken rejoice." - psalm 51:8

i stopped, and read it again. the bones that you have broken.

for some reason, this phrase was fresh and new to me. cutting the raw that hurt so badly.

____

i've had tendency a of late. where i see the worst of things, and not the better. and i see myself doing it. i try to will myself to think of good things. to stop using so many words. to just stop talking. instead i see myself, as if i'm looking on from another place, go on and on. trying to convey my thoughts. my feelings. my frustration. my judgement.

when did i turn into this?

if things don't go exactly how i think they should, i'm disappointed and at times, i wring my hands instead of raise them with joy. even when most is going so well, it only takes one thing. one expectation not met. and my joy escapes me.

i hate it.
____

in that desperate moment last night, God was so kind to remind me. he breaks the bones. he allows the pain, to bring about a clean heart. a heart after him. full of joy.

whether these bones are literal or metaphorical, they are still broken. whoever you are, and whatever your lot, the pain is still real. your eyes burn the same from the tears. your soul searches the same for relief. but these broken bones can rejoice.

because, there is grace. and there are new mercies for each day.

if you're new to this blog or not, you might see a bit of a redundancy in my posts. and i admit, there is. no matter what i tend to be talking about, it seems to come full-circle to this idea of grace.

and that might not be a revelation to you, hearing it so often. but for me, it is.

because every day that i see my sin, i see that grace. and it astounds me.

love.

learning to encourage.

This week I've had a glimpse of what life was like with a brain--before this pregnancy, that is. The feeling of being able to think clearly and get things done is one that's been sorely missed these past few months. I'm hoping it's here to stay for a little longer.

And so here I sit, using this brain to try to think of something to say. Coming out of a writing rut is hard. Words never flow as easily as before. But, here is my attempt nonetheless. Because I have been learning a lot these past few weeks. Especially in the way of communication, expectations, my heart and my way-overzealous emotions.

With so much busyness, sickness and pregnancy hormones in the air, it's been pretty chaotic around here. And that has lent itself to heightened, messy conversation and communication in our home. Which is not something we're used to. It's been emotional, and it's been hard.

And as the weeks have gone by, I've started to realize that it is mostly my fault.

My selfishness has become much bigger to me. Somewhere along the way, selfishness began to take a bigger part in shaping my attitude towards life, and my words towards my family. What I felt I deserved started to become paramount in any situation. And feeling loved and appreciated was at the forefront of my interactions.

At some point, it hit me--how I felt became more important to me than the people I love most in this world.

In general, I have a tendency to talk too much. In a effort to fully convey my thoughts, motives and emotions, I over talk the situation. I beat the horse until it's glue. And at the end of it, I usually don't even know what I was trying to say in the first place. So I just cry. And, being pregnant makes times like these exponentially bigger. Like everything else.

Nick, on the other hand, does not. He prefers to think before he speaks. And tries to help me do the same. Though, we have come to the conclusion that "Baby, just calm down," doesn't do much good in the heat of my emotional throws.

Feel free to pray for my husband.

He's right though. I am only serving myself when I feel the need to hotly express every shred of emotion and thought process that I'm going through in order to make him understand. I say too much, and I say it badly. I'm learning that it is at this moment that I need to pause. To collect my thoughts and grasp for those too-big emotions to come back down.

Oh, how hard it is to tame this tongue of mine.

The funny thing is, I would consider myself the encourager in our relationship. Being the far more vocal one in our marriage, I say plenty of encouraging things on a pretty regular basis. I'm quick to thank him for his hard work, acknowledge him for what he's done and just tell him nice things whenever they come to mind. That sounds good, right?

Communication is a funny, though. I'm starting to learn that to be an effective encourager, in my situation at least, what I don't say is more important than what I do.

Because even though I express my thankfulness and appreciation to him, and while I maintain that it is an important thing to do, I also bombard him with everything else that's going on in my mind and heart. Yes, pretty much all of it. While I don't want to start throwing out blanket statements, I think that this is something that women in general tend towards. And something that men don't.

And so no matter how many nice things I say, they are overshadowed by the multitude of my struggles and frustrations that I feel so strongly that I need to "share" with him on any given day. My encouraging words are lost when my attitude implies that I am not content in my circumstances.

When my husband comes home from working hard all day, after getting not enough sleep for countless nights, I'm learning that "I'm so tired," isn't what blesses him to hear. Yes, I know. Profound.

And really, despite my sin, that's what my heart wants. To make him feel supported, loved and encouraged. To serve him selflessly, without the desire of recognition or reward getting in the way. I want our children to grow up in a home where they see sacrificial love and selfless service as a means of grace and joy in their parents' lives.

We are I am definitely not there yet. But by God's grace, I'm getting closer. And my prayer is for the continual growth in disciplining my tongue, of thinking before I speak, so that when I can express my love and encouragement to my husband that works so hard for us, he'll be able to hear it.

love.

on communication & marriage.

this is the last week of the relationship series. what a blessing it has been to write on these topics, and to read what these lovely women have had to say. it has come at such a perfect time for me, & i hope you have been blessed by it, even if only in the smallest of ways. 
_______

"when words are scare they are seldom spent in vain." - w. shakespeare

i used to think i was good at communicating. and then i got married.

back in 2009. photo credit: melissa joy

okay, that's not totally true. but i have learned so much about what communicating really means since i got married. probably because the person i love most in this world is directly affected depending on how i communicate.

the truth is, i've always been great at talking (if you know me well, you know how true this is, don't you?) but what i've learned over the years, as i've grown in grace and wisdom, is that's just it. i talk. 


i don't communicate very well at all. 

instead, my overuse of words in conversations by trying to communicate what i'm feeling or wanting has cheapened the meaning, more times than not. i get lost in my words, in my trying to structure an argument of reasons why, instead of actually working through what my heart & head are wanting to say.

conversely, my husband chooses not to talk when it comes to discussing things, until he knows exactly how to express what he is wanting to say.

when we got married, it took some time to try to find a sort of compromise in this--he would talk when he didn't want to & i would try to not talk. at least a little less. but for the past few years, we've been in a pretty constant state of emotional excessiveness. which has made it even harder for us to find a balance between my over communicating and his lack of it.

when nick is overwhelmed, or stretched thin, he turns inward to process his thoughts & emotions. me? i turn outward. usually to him. usually all over him. and i know that this does not bless my husband. but when i'm wanting of affection, or attention, i am urged to tell him about it. to remind him of it. to explain why i feel the way i feel. to "help" him understand how he can help me in it.

i rarely listen.

but, by God's grace, i'm starting to. i'm starting to hear the ridiculousness that comes in strings from my lips.

i'm starting to hear the silence that speaks volumes.

i've always understood the importance of communication in marriage. i braced myself for it before we said "i do." i prepared myself for it. but, i'm starting to realize that for me, communication means listening. communication means praying first. it means thinking before i speak. it means not feeling the need to fill any silence in the conversation with empty, self-focused words. and now, communication is slowly beginning to mean focusing on hearing what the other has to say. instead of trying to figure out how i can be heard. i'm learning to actually articulate what i need to say. and to wait to hear the response.

seeing this growth. this change in my heart. leaves me...well, it leaves me pretty speechless.

love.

guest blogging it.

today i have the privilege of blogging over at Speak Jane Speak. i'm writing on marriage & parenting again, only this time it's a bit more of the practical application side of it.

i'm pretty excited about this. so be sure to check it out.

since i've been busy writing for another blog, i'm leaving you with a picture of my ever-dedicated writing companion.

hoping you have a beautiful weekend.

love.