in with the new (a few thoughts).

suddenly, it's a new year the new year is in full swing.

life has been busy and strange and tiring, but it has been so good and full of hard lessons for my heart and head. in a season that is so much more mild than years past, i've struggled as if it were anything but, and in ways that are new to me. discontentment. anxiety. fear. depression. joylessness.

but in it, i have seen so much fruit.
and through it, i've acquired a thirst for change.

i've pulled back from social media some (if you follow me, you may have noticed) and have been observing my use of time in general. from it, i've seen a lack, and have been learning to exercise more self-control, to be more present in the life of my days. i desire to be the kind of woman that purposefully seeks out small moments, knowing that they are precious and are what shape my memories of these years. i want to be the kind of woman who strives for the mundane to be as full of joy as the highs and the lows alike. 

i want to be the kind of woman that that leaves that legacy to those around me, when they remember these days long past.

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so, if i had to pick a word to anthem this year, i'd say it was joy.
but, really, that doesn't quite cut it. and since i have a tendency to use too many words in general life to just choose one, i picked three instead:

present. 
creative. 
and, most of all, joyful.

these words are the essence of my prayers for this year. i'm already staggered by the way i see God pushing my heart and shaping the way i think and act. i feel excited and passionate (and even able!) to grow in so many areas: in planning, praying, studying, writing, reading, heath, exercising, parenting, marriage-ing (we're going to say that's a thing, ok?), and loving well.

i'm sure i won't master most of these, but really, the goal is to strive. to surrender. to faithfully, passionately pursue growth in the areas i feel God is pushing me in, faithful that he will work through my brokenness and weakness to produce fruit and growth. and that his glory will be seen in its midst.

and so, my goal is not to set resolutions (i know i will break them), or to be perfect (this broken side of heaven), but it is to learn now how to use this life well--to be a light and an encouragement to those around me, pointing them to the gospel that is the very thing that gives me breath.

starting with the two small ones that watch me so closely every day.

this life is short. i not only want to embrace and savor each and every moment--i want to make them brim with joy and grace and the exhilaration that comes from taking this life and making it a good one. this is my first step in what i hope to be a life-long journey, full of joy.

so here's to 2015.
let's do this.

love.

on overcoming the lie (of perfection).

there's a lie that i've let myself believe for a long time. 
a lie that has left me feeling guilty, condemned, and defeated so many times. 

it's something that God has been slowly opening my eyes to, and it's more than partly the reason for my post about my new year's goals, and striving to be free.

because the lie of perfection is deadly. 

this thing we tell ourselves as women, that everyone else has it together, except for us. and that if we can somehow attain it, we will find joy.

for me, this notion of perfection coexists with comparison. oh, how quickly i compare myself to other women, both online and offline. sometimes consciously, sometimes not.

how they look. 

how they dress.

how put together they are, how organized their life is.

how many kids they have successfully birthed and raised.

how they care for their home, how they cook.

how well they bless and serve others.

how much better than me they are, at just about everything.
and how i am not.

and before i know it, i find myself in this place of coveting and discontent. wishing i were better, wishing i were more.

and it's exhausting. 

when we look to others as our standard, we turn their giftings into idols and their strengths into our own gods that are always just out of reach. it's wonderful, and i think important, to admire our sisters for their strengths and evidences of grace in their lives and be inspired to grow in similar ways, but we need to be careful not to put too much emphasis on the doing, lest we stifle God's work in our hearts and lives. 

and really, these women I compare myself to aren't perfect either. they are human. but even still, the truth that we need to embrace isn't that they don't have it all together either, but that the solution is found when we look to God for our definition of perfection and our solution for our imperfection.

because to God, being the perfect woman isn't as important as being a faithful one.

the good news is, he is perfect for us, and we are made perfect in him. because no matter how hard we try, we will never be perfect, this side of heaven. and how much freedom should come in believing that our savior knows our imperfections and loves us anyway. because he has ransomed us.

i want to live my life embracing where i am, so that i can move forward.

i want to remember that while all different, we all have our strengths and our struggles. 

i want to cling to grace, and be free to strive for the perfection that matters.

and let's be women that live this truth out daily. fully and wholeheartedly clinging to the cross, covered by his grace, and freed from the lies we so quickly let ourselves believe. free from the lies that will never bring us joy.

and lady, you are beautiful. 

you are fearfully and wonderfully made. 
and imperfect you is precious to him.

and he wants to make us whole. 

and he loves to make broken things beautiful.

by his grace, and for his glory.

love.

___

i'm taking part in Overcome the Lie's annual blog tour. it's such an honor to be a part of this series, to encourage women to rise up and overcome the lies so many of us fall victim to in our lives. be sure to check them out, because their heart for women is contagious. 

three.

today we say happy birthday to our three year old. this little boy is amazing. he is compassionate, funny, full of energy--so much energy--and fills our lives with so much love. he has already proved to be a fantastic big brother (and gets enough smiles from little miss to prove it). and, despite his lack of words, he is quite the dramatic communicator. 

what a sweet, sweet boy God has blessed us with.

we are so grateful that he is ours. 

what a joy it is to be his parents. 

love. 

the broken bones.

last night, long after the rest of the near world breathed a deep sigh and began their slumber, i sat in bed.
awake.
hot tears loosed down my cheeks as i struggled to make sense of what was going on in my mind.

why did i feel so alone?

in an effort to quiet my soul, i picked up my phone and read the first passage that came up on my bible app.

"let me hear joy and gladness; let the bones that you have broken rejoice." - psalm 51:8

i stopped, and read it again. the bones that you have broken.

for some reason, this phrase was fresh and new to me. cutting the raw that hurt so badly.

____

i've had tendency a of late. where i see the worst of things, and not the better. and i see myself doing it. i try to will myself to think of good things. to stop using so many words. to just stop talking. instead i see myself, as if i'm looking on from another place, go on and on. trying to convey my thoughts. my feelings. my frustration. my judgement.

when did i turn into this?

if things don't go exactly how i think they should, i'm disappointed and at times, i wring my hands instead of raise them with joy. even when most is going so well, it only takes one thing. one expectation not met. and my joy escapes me.

i hate it.
____

in that desperate moment last night, God was so kind to remind me. he breaks the bones. he allows the pain, to bring about a clean heart. a heart after him. full of joy.

whether these bones are literal or metaphorical, they are still broken. whoever you are, and whatever your lot, the pain is still real. your eyes burn the same from the tears. your soul searches the same for relief. but these broken bones can rejoice.

because, there is grace. and there are new mercies for each day.

if you're new to this blog or not, you might see a bit of a redundancy in my posts. and i admit, there is. no matter what i tend to be talking about, it seems to come full-circle to this idea of grace.

and that might not be a revelation to you, hearing it so often. but for me, it is.

because every day that i see my sin, i see that grace. and it astounds me.

love.