the broken bones.

last night, long after the rest of the near world breathed a deep sigh and began their slumber, i sat in bed.
awake.
hot tears loosed down my cheeks as i struggled to make sense of what was going on in my mind.

why did i feel so alone?

in an effort to quiet my soul, i picked up my phone and read the first passage that came up on my bible app.

"let me hear joy and gladness; let the bones that you have broken rejoice." - psalm 51:8

i stopped, and read it again. the bones that you have broken.

for some reason, this phrase was fresh and new to me. cutting the raw that hurt so badly.

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i've had tendency a of late. where i see the worst of things, and not the better. and i see myself doing it. i try to will myself to think of good things. to stop using so many words. to just stop talking. instead i see myself, as if i'm looking on from another place, go on and on. trying to convey my thoughts. my feelings. my frustration. my judgement.

when did i turn into this?

if things don't go exactly how i think they should, i'm disappointed and at times, i wring my hands instead of raise them with joy. even when most is going so well, it only takes one thing. one expectation not met. and my joy escapes me.

i hate it.
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in that desperate moment last night, God was so kind to remind me. he breaks the bones. he allows the pain, to bring about a clean heart. a heart after him. full of joy.

whether these bones are literal or metaphorical, they are still broken. whoever you are, and whatever your lot, the pain is still real. your eyes burn the same from the tears. your soul searches the same for relief. but these broken bones can rejoice.

because, there is grace. and there are new mercies for each day.

if you're new to this blog or not, you might see a bit of a redundancy in my posts. and i admit, there is. no matter what i tend to be talking about, it seems to come full-circle to this idea of grace.

and that might not be a revelation to you, hearing it so often. but for me, it is.

because every day that i see my sin, i see that grace. and it astounds me.

love.

on communication & marriage.

this is the last week of the relationship series. what a blessing it has been to write on these topics, and to read what these lovely women have had to say. it has come at such a perfect time for me, & i hope you have been blessed by it, even if only in the smallest of ways. 
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"when words are scare they are seldom spent in vain." - w. shakespeare

i used to think i was good at communicating. and then i got married.

back in 2009. photo credit: melissa joy

okay, that's not totally true. but i have learned so much about what communicating really means since i got married. probably because the person i love most in this world is directly affected depending on how i communicate.

the truth is, i've always been great at talking (if you know me well, you know how true this is, don't you?) but what i've learned over the years, as i've grown in grace and wisdom, is that's just it. i talk. 


i don't communicate very well at all. 

instead, my overuse of words in conversations by trying to communicate what i'm feeling or wanting has cheapened the meaning, more times than not. i get lost in my words, in my trying to structure an argument of reasons why, instead of actually working through what my heart & head are wanting to say.

conversely, my husband chooses not to talk when it comes to discussing things, until he knows exactly how to express what he is wanting to say.

when we got married, it took some time to try to find a sort of compromise in this--he would talk when he didn't want to & i would try to not talk. at least a little less. but for the past few years, we've been in a pretty constant state of emotional excessiveness. which has made it even harder for us to find a balance between my over communicating and his lack of it.

when nick is overwhelmed, or stretched thin, he turns inward to process his thoughts & emotions. me? i turn outward. usually to him. usually all over him. and i know that this does not bless my husband. but when i'm wanting of affection, or attention, i am urged to tell him about it. to remind him of it. to explain why i feel the way i feel. to "help" him understand how he can help me in it.

i rarely listen.

but, by God's grace, i'm starting to. i'm starting to hear the ridiculousness that comes in strings from my lips.

i'm starting to hear the silence that speaks volumes.

i've always understood the importance of communication in marriage. i braced myself for it before we said "i do." i prepared myself for it. but, i'm starting to realize that for me, communication means listening. communication means praying first. it means thinking before i speak. it means not feeling the need to fill any silence in the conversation with empty, self-focused words. and now, communication is slowly beginning to mean focusing on hearing what the other has to say. instead of trying to figure out how i can be heard. i'm learning to actually articulate what i need to say. and to wait to hear the response.

seeing this growth. this change in my heart. leaves me...well, it leaves me pretty speechless.

love.

on parenting & marriage.

this week's relationship series' topic is on parenting and marriage. i'm definitely no expert, but i've learned so much in these 22 months. and, as a warning, this is probably going to be a rather long post because, well, these are my two favorite people. 


almost two years ago, on a warm night in june, a moment took place that changed our lives forever.

 we met our sweet, sweet baby boy.

i don't think i will ever be able to adequately express the joy & absolute privilege it is to be the mother of this child. to know that God saw fit to bless us with this charming little soul still leaves me speechless. and after seeing the special purpose that this little man has had in our lives. the joy that he has brought in times of struggle & pain. well, it has left my heart so full that i feel it may burst.

the journey this far has been so full of learning & growing (and not much sleeping), but has proved to only strengthen our marriage. to see the complete love and care that nick shows to c., the patience and the gentle firmness, has caused me to fall even more in love with him. and to grow my respect to an even higher level.

to know that we have been entrusted with this beautiful little blend of us. together. has caused our love & our lives to become rooted even deeper in the lord and each other.

to have a common goal--the raising up of another human. training him in the way he should go. hoping we can have a positive impact on his life. praying that he will come to know the sweet sensation of salvation. i've found this to be an intimate & glorious relationship, when done in unity. we are together focused on the good of another.

but, for most of this little boy's life, we've been in a difficult season. and as both a wife & mother, i've had to choose more than once whether to care for my husband or my son.

i think this is where it's really broken it down for me. the importance of putting your husband first. and then your child. that might sound awful to you. and honestly, it sounds pretty awful to me when i put it down on paper  this blog.

but, i'm not saying that i've neglected our little boy. but i've learned that there is grace when you are called to be by your husband's side. this boy is the most unaffected little thing i've met. he has enjoyed countless hours spent playing with family & friends in the midst of surgeries and hospital stays. and sometimes, putting my husband first meant coming home to be with c. when my heart yearned not to be away from nick. so that nick could rest, knowing i was home caring for our little blessing.

what i'm trying to say, though probably not very gracefully, is that in order to love my son best, i need to love my husband best, first. we are in this together. we are one body. one life.

and together, we are trying desperately to give this little boy the best. the best life. the best example of what loving your spouse looks like.

really, we're just trying to give him best love that we have in our hearts to give him.

love.

loving through [when the unexpected happens].

it's week three of the relationship series. and by now, i'm pretty sure this series was meant for me. haha. this week's topic is loving through, when the unexpected happens. in other words, through trials & hardships.

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nick has been sick for the better part of our three years of marriage.

and for those of you that don't know, when i say sick, i mean sick. i mean on the verge of death more than once. i mean hospital stays that have left us on a first name, familiar basis with pretty much an entire wing of nursing staff.

i mean barely hanging on.

so what do you do, when your new life with the one you love most, spirals downward into a hard road of suffering? you keep living. and you keep loving.

people have said to me that it's a wonder that our marriage is stronger now than it was before this. that it wouldn't be unrealistic to find that strife and coldness had settled it's way in between our heartstrings. that it's a miracle we've made it this far.

but to us, there is no other option. no other end in sight.

when i pledged my life to my beloved, i did so with full intent of being by his side. and he by mine. in sickness and in health was specifically mentioned. if we were instead to give up at the first sign of difficulty (or even the second year of difficulty) i know that we would be cheating ourselves of what God has called us to. together.

to say that we have walked this out perfectly would be ridiculous. but i love this man. and when you love someone more than yourself, you love past the wrongs. past the sin. past the tiredness. past the discouragement. whether you feel it in that moment or not.

we have learned the importance of communication. if you are going through hardship in the midst of your marriage, i cannot stress this enough. once you let the lines of communication fall by the wayside, your heart can easily go with it. communicating might happen through tense strings of words, or streams of tears. but, it must happen.

this might all seem a bit naive & simplistic. but i've learned that when in the midst of such grueling life events, a simple mantra is sometimes all that you can handle. when you have the world crashing in around you, simplicity is all that keeps you sane.

we have learned much on this journey together. we have been strengthened through our weakness & our hurts. we have fallen into a deeper love because of it. there is depth because of the magnitude of emotions that we have had to deal with together.

so what do we do in those moments that seems so bleak? we keep living. we keep loving. and we thank God that we are able to walk through it. together.

love.

on comparisons & marriage.

it's time for week two of the relationship series. and this week, writing on the topic of comparisons. and, well, it's pretty timely today.
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newlyweds. 2009.

sitting in the hospital room next to my husband while i write this, exhausted, i give you fair warning. this might not make sense. but i hope the core of it still rings clear. because, i've learned a lot.

i've been a comparer for as long as i can remember.

i've struggled to draw parallels. sought to find a shred of similarity to those around me. to fit in. to be accepted. to feel normal. to connect. instead i've found longing & discontent. jealousy. even self-righteousness.

thankfully i've stopped drawing comparisons in many areas of my life. but not all. definitely not all.

despite all the wisdom i've acquired in my longing to relate to others' happiness, i still compare my marriage to others. my marriage that is the biggest blessing of my life. my marriage to the man that i couldn't live without & who's eyes i still get lost in when he looks at me. this glorious covenant that i am so in awe of, & in awe of the fact that i am able to be a part of it.

i look at others and think, if only. if only my husband was well. if only we had resources to get away from it all & focus on each other. if only we had money enough to buy a house of our own. if only we were debt-free. if only we had the energy to serve our church & community, the way our hearts long to. if only we had a second child, and hadn't lost ours.

if only, then i would have more joy.

it's funny what being in a hard season will do to you. suddenly others lives seem so serene. so together. so full of peace. it's like they've all got it together. all of them, except for you.

well my friends, they don't.

something that i have learned on this road that we've been traveling, is that we all have hardships. some are more physical, more tangible than others. but just because a struggle is internal doesn't mean it bears less weight on the soul of the oppressed. each of us are given what we can handle.

each of us are different. each has a struggle that is their own. and each of us has a purpose in the life that we have been given. and no matter where you find yourself. it's yours to see the grace that is peppered throughout it. the grace that has mingled with each & every tear. the grace that gives you the hope of what tomorrow will bring, of who you will be when you have weathered the storm.

this life is yours. and it's a glorious journey. so immerse yourself if what you've been given and don't compare yourself. because you are unique.

and your story is beautiful.

love.