belated mother's day.

i hope all you lovely mamas out there had a wonderful mother's day.

we finally were able to celebrate this evening. although it was quiet & mostly uneventful, it was pretty perfect. it was especially sweet just being together (the three of us) after not having the little one around this weekend.

this past week, i've realized how tired i am. i know i've been exhausted for a long time but i feel like this week the past year has caught up with me. emotionally, especially.

but god is so kind in his mercy to me, that even when i feel stretched too thin to care for & appreciate my family (or start to feel sorry for myself), he gives me moments where i can't help but just savor just how blessed i am.

tonight was one of those nights.

this happened while i was doing the dishes. i didn't even realize what he was doing. he was pretty pleased with his new fort (empty cabinet).

sushi is good for the my soul.

yep. this is half of a cake. thankfully, it was a small cake. my man knows the way to my heart.

my mother's day flowers!

they are perfect.

i can't imagine life without our little boy. he is the sweetest, cutest & most precious little that i've ever met. we are better because of him. i still can't believe that i have the privilege to be this child's mother. it blows my mind. & makes my heart spill over with joy.

oh c., mama loves you so.

love.

wedding weekend.

this past weekend, we attended two weddings.

fun, right?

we had big plans of a weekend-long date, full of time with just the two of us (c. spent the weekend with my family) enjoying the celebrations & pretending to be newlyweds. instead, it felt like several weeks of exhaustion finally caught up with us.

despite our sleepy dispositions, we had a pretty lovely time. it was a sweet time spent celebrating with old friends.

wedding no.1

my hot date. 

wedding no.2

she's lovely.

oh, i love this man.

and, in the midst of exhaustion, i saw even more how wonderful the man is that i get to spend my life with.

love.

things i'm thankful for [tuesday edition]

i'm back.

and that is one of the things i'm thankful for. but, i'm also thankful for the time away from technology. to have a bit of silence in my life. to enjoy the fresh air in my lungs. and the people that i am blessed to know.

to refocus. to ponder.

but let's be honest. we really missed blue's clues.

so, i'm thankful for the time my man took to find a spare hard drive lying around (because, we have those here apparently) & replace the broken one. all while trying to start his business back up.

speaking of him. he is doing so well. so very, very well. i realized that i haven't updated you about him lately. and lately has been some of the most exciting news! over the past two or so weeks, his recovery has taken a turn for the better. what we thought would be a more difficult process (& started out more painful than we had anticipated) has proved to become much more manageable.

i get to see the man that i married, more times than not, when i look in his bright blue eyes. the man that had been lost in sickness & exhaustion for almost two years. the man that makes me laugh. makes me feel treasured. makes me feel safe.

and now, even has the energy to play with our sweet, sweet little boy.

oh, how he loves his daddy. and oh, how i love them.

i have so much to be thankful for.

love.

this momentary affliction.

what a week this has been.

i've written about fighting for joy. i've written about loving through. and, on a practical level, these two things seem to be at the forefront of my mind just beyond my grasp.

instead of resting in the truths that i know so well, or basking in the presence of my blessed little family, or laying on my face before the lord, i have found myself trying to fix everything. to fix our lives. by myself.

and, i am worn thin.

i suppose there are times in each of our lives when we come to the point that feel as if there is nothing left to give. that there is nothing left of us that is worth, well, anything. that we need to fight with everything in us, not to give up. for me, this has been my past few weeks. i am so, very tired. my heart is weary. my soul feels stretched so thin that is might just pull apart into nothing.

but there is still hope.

there is grace for each day. there is hope for each tomorrow. there are promises for each, passing moment of my existence.

this is a momentary affliction.

yesterday i began to realized that i have, indeed, come to my end. that i don't have anything left to give. i am worn out from giving. i am exhausted from caring. i am depleted from doing.

and, well, i started to realize that that's a good place to be.

i need to let go. i need to rest in the truths that i know so well, and cling to them with all that i have, moment by moment. i need to bask in the presence of my blessed little family that i am so unworthy of. i need to do some serious laying on my face before the lord. and, i need to have the right perspective. in other words, i need to chill out.

but, i must not lose heart. 

this season is momentary. even if it lasts longer than i expect.

so we do not lose heart. though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. for this light momentary affliction is preparing us for an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. for the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal. - 2 corinthians 4:16-18

instead of worrying about whether the laundry gets done. or the if floors get scrubbed. or if people think that i am a good wife & mother. and, ultimately, instead of wallowing in my eventual failure, i need to look beyond, and trust that there is work being done in this tired heart of mine. i need to not lose heart, and know that i am being changed for the better. my marriage will be stronger. and the morning will be brighter than if i had never walked through this shadow.

and when i think on things like this, i realize what a wonderful place this is to be.  

love.

loving through [when the unexpected happens].

it's week three of the relationship series. and by now, i'm pretty sure this series was meant for me. haha. this week's topic is loving through, when the unexpected happens. in other words, through trials & hardships.

_____

nick has been sick for the better part of our three years of marriage.

and for those of you that don't know, when i say sick, i mean sick. i mean on the verge of death more than once. i mean hospital stays that have left us on a first name, familiar basis with pretty much an entire wing of nursing staff.

i mean barely hanging on.

so what do you do, when your new life with the one you love most, spirals downward into a hard road of suffering? you keep living. and you keep loving.

people have said to me that it's a wonder that our marriage is stronger now than it was before this. that it wouldn't be unrealistic to find that strife and coldness had settled it's way in between our heartstrings. that it's a miracle we've made it this far.

but to us, there is no other option. no other end in sight.

when i pledged my life to my beloved, i did so with full intent of being by his side. and he by mine. in sickness and in health was specifically mentioned. if we were instead to give up at the first sign of difficulty (or even the second year of difficulty) i know that we would be cheating ourselves of what God has called us to. together.

to say that we have walked this out perfectly would be ridiculous. but i love this man. and when you love someone more than yourself, you love past the wrongs. past the sin. past the tiredness. past the discouragement. whether you feel it in that moment or not.

we have learned the importance of communication. if you are going through hardship in the midst of your marriage, i cannot stress this enough. once you let the lines of communication fall by the wayside, your heart can easily go with it. communicating might happen through tense strings of words, or streams of tears. but, it must happen.

this might all seem a bit naive & simplistic. but i've learned that when in the midst of such grueling life events, a simple mantra is sometimes all that you can handle. when you have the world crashing in around you, simplicity is all that keeps you sane.

we have learned much on this journey together. we have been strengthened through our weakness & our hurts. we have fallen into a deeper love because of it. there is depth because of the magnitude of emotions that we have had to deal with together.

so what do we do in those moments that seems so bleak? we keep living. we keep loving. and we thank God that we are able to walk through it. together.

love.

on comparisons & marriage.

it's time for week two of the relationship series. and this week, writing on the topic of comparisons. and, well, it's pretty timely today.
___

newlyweds. 2009.

sitting in the hospital room next to my husband while i write this, exhausted, i give you fair warning. this might not make sense. but i hope the core of it still rings clear. because, i've learned a lot.

i've been a comparer for as long as i can remember.

i've struggled to draw parallels. sought to find a shred of similarity to those around me. to fit in. to be accepted. to feel normal. to connect. instead i've found longing & discontent. jealousy. even self-righteousness.

thankfully i've stopped drawing comparisons in many areas of my life. but not all. definitely not all.

despite all the wisdom i've acquired in my longing to relate to others' happiness, i still compare my marriage to others. my marriage that is the biggest blessing of my life. my marriage to the man that i couldn't live without & who's eyes i still get lost in when he looks at me. this glorious covenant that i am so in awe of, & in awe of the fact that i am able to be a part of it.

i look at others and think, if only. if only my husband was well. if only we had resources to get away from it all & focus on each other. if only we had money enough to buy a house of our own. if only we were debt-free. if only we had the energy to serve our church & community, the way our hearts long to. if only we had a second child, and hadn't lost ours.

if only, then i would have more joy.

it's funny what being in a hard season will do to you. suddenly others lives seem so serene. so together. so full of peace. it's like they've all got it together. all of them, except for you.

well my friends, they don't.

something that i have learned on this road that we've been traveling, is that we all have hardships. some are more physical, more tangible than others. but just because a struggle is internal doesn't mean it bears less weight on the soul of the oppressed. each of us are given what we can handle.

each of us are different. each has a struggle that is their own. and each of us has a purpose in the life that we have been given. and no matter where you find yourself. it's yours to see the grace that is peppered throughout it. the grace that has mingled with each & every tear. the grace that gives you the hope of what tomorrow will bring, of who you will be when you have weathered the storm.

this life is yours. and it's a glorious journey. so immerse yourself if what you've been given and don't compare yourself. because you are unique.

and your story is beautiful.

love.

finally, an update.

i'm sorry for taking so long to post an update. thankfully, this is a case of silence being a somewhat of a good thing.

but again, we wait.

for those of you who don't know, nick's surgery went beautifully. the surgeon was optimistic and encouraged by how well it went. and that is such a relief.

however, this surgery caused a significant amount of pain. more than last time, even. we weren't expecting that, considering this was a two-hour surgery versus the eight-hour one. but he has endured well. and he has been improving every day.

today, he was moved up to solid foods (hurray!). we're hoping that this means that he will be able to come home in the next few days. we are ready to be together again. 

despite the waiting, we are so very grateful for this good, good news.

love.

and just like that, it's here.

nick's long awaited surgery is schedule for tomorrow.

we just found out a couple of days ago. and now, it's right around the corner. it's a little overwhelming & scary, but even more exciting. this is it.

to think that this is the last step on such a long, hard road has left me a little dazed, to be honest. i don't know what to expect. but whatever will come in this new season, we will be able to handle it. with god's grace. of that. of only that. i am certain.

i'll be updating the blog as best i can on nick's status, and everything else. in the meantime, i covet your prayers for success in surgery, a quick recovery, & peace. for all of us.

love.

p.s. this little face has had such a great time with his grandparents & aunts & uncle this past week. oh, how we've missed them.

on expectations & marriage.

my dear friend courtney from vintch has partnered with a couple of other lovelies to do a relationship series. this week's topic is on expectations, & so i thought i'd join them in talking about it as it relates to my life & marriage. 

i live a fairytale life.

yes, i mean that. with all of my heart. amidst the hospital trips, health scares, & overall trials of the past two years, i have found myself to be the happiest i've ever been. than i thought was even possible.

let me back up a moment. i've lived a lot of life. and much of it i'm anything but proud of. i am the encapsulation of a sinner in need of god's grace. but my tale is one that is laced with a theme. of redeeming love.

in this life, i have seen relationship after relationship crumble. marriage after marriage fail. and so many people disillusioned with love. i was one of the worst. i wanted to believe that love--that marriage--could be more than i had seen. but i feared that it was a lonely, solitary institution. full of self-doubt and neglect in the end.

but god found me. god's love redeemed me. and drastically changed my life after high school. changed my heart of stone. i gave up dating. for over five years. i waited. i hoped. that god had someone for me. knowing that if he didn't, i still had him.

and now back to the point. though i hoped for god's best for me, i had no real evidence that it could be something special. something strong & beautiful. an unwavering love. unconditional. like the love that i had found in god. i had made a list of qualities. of expectations. over the years the list changed. to reflect not the expectations, but the needs that i knew i had. i knew i needed to be unwavering.

eventually, there were a couple of relationships. i waited through them patiently. i desperately wanted to be loved, to find my love. wanting to make them work. but in the end, i decided that i would rather be alone than settle.

then i found him, right under my nose. one of my dearest friends. my handsome, talented, loving, funny, god-loving man. we fell hard. in love. in deeper than i ever though one could love another.

i thought it couldn't last. but i had found a man that loved god more than anything. and loved me despite my faults. my fears. my self-conscious complaints.

he loves me unconditionally. & that love has redeemed my heart. to love fully and without fear. he has exceeded my expectations. he is my answer to prayer.

one thing that i have learned these past years is that god has a plan for your life. it is a plan that is beyond your expectations. no matter how long & hard the path may seem, settling can never be an option. through it all, your expectations need to be in god. not in the ability of another flawed person.

i didn't settle. my expectations were exceeded. i have found my love.

and i'm never letting go.

good news! (& some no news)

miss me?

i know i've been a bit absent since last week, so i wanted to catch you up on what's been going on. finally.

remember valentine's day? well, happy day to us, we spent the night in the ER (he finally got his room around 2 a.m.), and stayed in the hospital until friday afternoon. obviously, that's not how we planned our week to go, but that's not really important. we're gotten pretty used to it. and we got to see all of our nurse friends. they're pretty wonderful.

and now for the good news! nick was able to get the testing done to see the status of everything, and the results were great! the surgeon was super pleased with how everything has healed, and is looking at the end of this month/the beginning of march to do the second procedure. this second procedure should hopefully be the last of it all. 

and that means that life will start to get back to normal be better than we can imagine after these past two years. as this realization has started to sink in, it's been following by an overwhelming sense of gratitude. it's only a couple of weeks away, and he'll be better.

it's surreal. and a little scary. but most of all, it is so exciting. 

we covet your continued prayers over the next few weeks. for the surgery to go well. the recovery to be successful. and for nick to come out of this healthy, and ready to start a new chapter of his life. this has been quite a journey. but having so many of you come alongside us in prayer & love has made it so much more bearable. 

_________

as for the "no news," i promised to report on my exercise challenge. so i am. last week totaled a big fat ZERO. but, i'm okay with that. because sometimes, life just has a way of pushing in and rocking your little world. so i let it.

this week is already going better, which is what counts. and in the meantime, here's a video of a cute little boy who is loving his outdoor time.



lovelove.

lovey dovey.

once upon a time, there was a girl.

and she met a boy.

and they were great friends for a long time. seven years long. then one day the girl realized that she was completely & utterly in love with the boy. it caught her by surprise. and she was worried that he didn't love her back, because she knew he was & would be the only one for her.

but guess what? he loved her too.

they got together, & they fell in love even more. so, they got married. and had the cutest little boy anyone had ever seen.

and now, they live happily ever after. because, they're together.

happy day to my valentine, the love of my life. <3 

and happy lovey-dovey day to you too.

love.

0001 project.

today is the day!

i've been anxiously awaiting the day to come for me to be able to share this with you all. today is the website launch of my very talented husband's new design project, 0001 project.

in an effort not to butcher the explanation of what fractals are and what 0001 project is all about, i'm going to quote him:

For years I’ve been fascinated by the correlations between math and nature; intrigued by the way that so many of the things that we find beautiful in the organic world are the result of simple ratios and equations. But in exploring fractals, I’ve found that this relationship often works in the other directions as well. Abstract and even randomized mathematics, when rendered visually, often produce forms that are alien and bizarre, but at the same time hauntingly familiar.

0001 project is an effort at exploring that concept. Through software, I’m able to generate extremely complex fractal equations, and then populate those equations with random sets of values, which are then rendered as two dimensional forms. It might sound kind of complicated, but essentially it allows me to visualize, move through, and explore these mathematical ‘spaces’. And similar to what it would be like to explore our universe, most of what is generated is sparse and uninteresting. But then then by moving through these spaces, I’ll occasionally stumble upon something that’s completely breathtaking.

Part of the joy of this kind of exploration is knowing that there is essentially an infinite amount of space to explore, and sights to find. So here at 0001 project, I’ll be rendering and posting a new discovery for each day of 2012. Hopefully others will find all of this as mesmerizing and enjoyable as I do.

you can buy both fine art prints and wallpapers on the site. please consider following this chronicle of design awesomeness with me throughout the year--it's such a hauntingly beautiful series, i know you won't regret it. i'm putting a button on the right sidebar so that you can find it easily. feel free to grab the button for your own site, and tell your friends!

love!