on sleeplessness.

“What hath night to do with sleep?” 

― John Milton, Paradise Lost

if i didn't know better, i'd say that milton was in my head.

these last few weeks have been long. the days have stretched well into the nights, and the nights have lingered too long to not count for much at all. there are stolen moments of sleep, peppered among the cries of a tired baby girl, but the lack of anything substantial has been draining. naps happen in intervals, and life is just busy.

the truth? i've never been more exhausted in my entire life.

but this time has been one of such growth. of stretching beyond myself--my strength, patience, joy--and causing me to strive for change. not just change of circumstance, because despite the trying, sleeplessness still remains. but change of heart.

the nights might not be filled with the sleep i need, but they can still be filled with the grace i need.

there has been a gradual change happening, causing my nights (and days) to be filled with less anxiety, and more peace. joy even.

joy in the daily everythings. because i am deciding to remind myself of them often.

i have a list in my head. for the moments i become anxious, or angry even, that i can't have a moment to breathe when i'd like it. a list filled with good things, like the way that my children are healthy and growing and changing into precious little beings. the way the afternoon sun streams in through the living room windows as i cuddle one or the other as they take turns napping. and even the way the coffee brews and the rich smell wafts across the room throughout the day.

slowly, my nights are turning into purposeful times of sweet thankfulness as i feed my baby and calm her cries. 

i am in a place of few words these days, and instead have found myself in a place of ever-present grace, relying heavily on the daily manna gifted to me by a kind Father, who is showing me snippets of an incredibly blessed life, and sustaining me on a fraction of rest that i would have thought necessary to function.

and i'm learning that although my nights might not have much to do with sleep, they have much to do with refreshing grace.

because my strength is not really found in myself, and the more i realize that, the more i am able to walk through this hard season well. and so, i'd appreciate your prayers, friends. prayers for strength, sleep, and diligence.

diligence to make my nights count.

love.

seizing a moment (or at least a half).

confession: i don't take very good care of myself.

i've been blessed with a generally-healthy disposition, i avoid doctors unless it's unavoidable and, at times, i'm pretty sure i think i'm invincible. but the reality is that i barely exercise, drink more coffee than water in a day unless i pay attention, and get sick pretty frequently. 

yes, we've had our share of crazy around here the past few years. we've lived through serious health issues, church planting, financial strain, losing a baby, welcoming a baby, and the normal bits of life mixed in. so yes, i think i've been perpetually exhausted for the past three years.

but it's more than that.

when it comes to caring for myself (both physically and spiritually), i've learned how lazy i can really be. it's so much easier to just watch a movie after running around with these two little ones, keeping up trying to get a handle on laundry, the dishes and the food off the floor. there are so many excuses readily available for me to pick and choose from, and allow me to forgo what i really need. 

it's come to a head lately--my body has been freaking out on me, and my emotions have been of the out-of-control-barely-hanging-on variety more than i'd like to admit. so, something had to change. and i've made some progress! i've been working out fairly regularly (for me at least), limiting myself to two (okay, sometimes three) cups of coffee a day, and doing some other things to help get myself in a little better shape. it's helped some, too.

but what i've realized is that my heart needs to be in the right place, along with my motivation, for any of it to really take effect, or even really matter. let me explain: 

i want to be a good steward of all the things i've been blessed with--this body, this mind, this husband, these children, and this life. but most importantly, i want to be a good steward with the most precious gift i've been given in the redeeming love of the gospel. 

and if that's my desire, then i need to start there. with my soul. and know that the rest will follow, as an overflow of the heart.

so what does this look like for me right now?

one//my quiet times have been short, but sweet. right now i'm mostly just following the #shereadstruth plans (i highly recommend it, ladies), with a little bit of spurgeon's morning & evening when i can. 

two//i think more of others when i consider what to eat or not eat, whether it's to ease my breastfed baby's gas, thinking of how i want to have energy to love and raise my children well ten years from now, or wanting my husband to delight in the fact that i am his. 

three//i think again of the long-term effects of not exercising when given the opportunity, and have found myself more resolute in taking time (even if it's twenty, interrupted minutes) to condition this aching body.

it's nothing special, or even impressive. but i'm starting somewhere and i've seen so much fruit already. i've witnessed a transformation in the way i see things, the way i respond (or more importantly, don't respond) and am so encouraged. 

i feel as if i have been refreshed in my vision for my life, in so many areas. recentering my thoughts on what matters most has allowed for all the other things to dim, just a little, and it has wet my appetite for more. 

so how do i want to grow? 

one//spend longer in the word, and incorporate extended time for payer, journaling and memorizing scripture. i also want to be working through a book in the evenings (like maybe finishing one thousand gifts, finally).

two//cut out more sugar and maybe some caffeine from my day. sugar (usually in the form of coffee) is my crutch when i tired or overwhelmed, and just makes me feel more gross. i've known i need to cut it out for awhile now, so it's time.

three//exercise three times a week. even if it's short. just that basic discipline alone will help me achieve a lot of my goals, i know. and while it's still shoot out, be prepared to see a lot of instagrams of yoga mats and atoning yoga. 

if you think of it, ask me how i'm doing in these areas. lord knows, i need accountability. :)

love. 

4.25.13

"for i have known them all already, known them all:

have known the evenings, mornings, afternoons,

i have measured out my life with coffee spoons."

- t.s. eliot 

this is my life. seriously, you guys. so much coffee.

love.