in with the new (a few thoughts).

suddenly, it's a new year the new year is in full swing.

life has been busy and strange and tiring, but it has been so good and full of hard lessons for my heart and head. in a season that is so much more mild than years past, i've struggled as if it were anything but, and in ways that are new to me. discontentment. anxiety. fear. depression. joylessness.

but in it, i have seen so much fruit.
and through it, i've acquired a thirst for change.

i've pulled back from social media some (if you follow me, you may have noticed) and have been observing my use of time in general. from it, i've seen a lack, and have been learning to exercise more self-control, to be more present in the life of my days. i desire to be the kind of woman that purposefully seeks out small moments, knowing that they are precious and are what shape my memories of these years. i want to be the kind of woman who strives for the mundane to be as full of joy as the highs and the lows alike. 

i want to be the kind of woman that that leaves that legacy to those around me, when they remember these days long past.

______

so, if i had to pick a word to anthem this year, i'd say it was joy.
but, really, that doesn't quite cut it. and since i have a tendency to use too many words in general life to just choose one, i picked three instead:

present. 
creative. 
and, most of all, joyful.

these words are the essence of my prayers for this year. i'm already staggered by the way i see God pushing my heart and shaping the way i think and act. i feel excited and passionate (and even able!) to grow in so many areas: in planning, praying, studying, writing, reading, heath, exercising, parenting, marriage-ing (we're going to say that's a thing, ok?), and loving well.

i'm sure i won't master most of these, but really, the goal is to strive. to surrender. to faithfully, passionately pursue growth in the areas i feel God is pushing me in, faithful that he will work through my brokenness and weakness to produce fruit and growth. and that his glory will be seen in its midst.

and so, my goal is not to set resolutions (i know i will break them), or to be perfect (this broken side of heaven), but it is to learn now how to use this life well--to be a light and an encouragement to those around me, pointing them to the gospel that is the very thing that gives me breath.

starting with the two small ones that watch me so closely every day.

this life is short. i not only want to embrace and savor each and every moment--i want to make them brim with joy and grace and the exhilaration that comes from taking this life and making it a good one. this is my first step in what i hope to be a life-long journey, full of joy.

so here's to 2015.
let's do this.

love.

oh hey, 2014.

here we are, nestling into the new year, and i'm already behind.

i had plans of writing down my goals, dreams and hopes. i wanted to recount lessons learned and all the blessings and hardships the last year held for us. but none of that is finished, and really, it's barely started. but i'm throwing out the guilt of not being where i want to be, and embracing something new.

you see, my mind has been full these last few weeks, as the holidays kept us busy and the year came to a tiring close. i've struggled to wade through the thoughts and emotions swirling around me, i've found myself overwhelmed.

overwhelmed at the kindness of God seen so evidently in our lives this year.
in the blessing of our baby girl, who makes our hearts swell.
the blessing of a new job for nick, that starts on monday, and has answered so many of our long-suffering prayers and petitions.
the blessing of our marriage and that tomorrow marks five years with the man that loves me so well.
the blessing of so much grace in this year spent healing and recovering from years of trial, sickness and brokenness.
the blessing in finding myself again.

and this is when i realized that i want this year to be different. that i want to change how i see things, and how i see myself. because there is so much more for me to do. so much for me to take from the past few years and put it to use and live fuller and breathe deeper and grow better.

instead of resolutions or goals or lists (though some of those will still be part of life, for sanity's sake), i'm choosing a word that i want to be the theme of this new year.
an anthem of sorts.
that i want my life to show and my soul to breathe and my heart to embrace.

this year, i'm striving to be free.

free from the guilt that weighs on me when i don't do the things when or how i want.
free from self-pity and discontent when i feel i don't "measure up" to others.
free from comparing and condemning and from the lie that my merit is based in my perfection.

instead, i want to be free in who christ ransomed me to be. in the woman that God made me. freely found in the fact that i will never be perfect. free to love, and be loved. and, because of grace and my glorious savior, that's okay.

so here's to 2014. may it be blessed and full of freeness found in that beautiful grace.

love.

out like a lion.

It's hard to believe that we're here already--in January, in the new year.

I love the idea of a fresh start, despite how cliché that may be. New lists, new calendars, new goals. So crisp and clean feeling. So naturally, I've been putting a lot of thought into ways I'd like to improve, and things I'd like to change in this new year. I was pretty excited about getting started come the first of the year.

But life, it seems, had other plans. 

Somebody got a nasty virus right before the new year. It started with a crazy fever.

And then came the weird face rash.

Thankfully, he has the best daddy who set him up a pretty sweet home theater.

Gross, huh? 

Needless to say, it's been quite a week and a half. But after a lot of worrying, comforting, praying and not so much sleep, this guy is doing much better. And today, this happened.

We are so relieved and thankful that he is on the mend. And grateful to all of you who were so faithful to pray for him. We have been blessed with a healthy, happy little boy.

Though this was small compared to what many others are called to endure, this sickness shook me a bit (being eight months pregnant hasn't helped). But it has reminded me even more how kind God has been to us in keeping him well and safe. It's a terrible feeling, being helpless and watching your little one suffer. And it's one that I hope I don't have to experience again for quite awhile.

So while 2012 went out in a similar fashion to how it came in, I am much encouraged to see what this new year will bring. God has been so faithful to see us through so much, and has proved that this year will be no exception, to say the least.

Oh, and I'll get to those goals of mine. They'll just be a little later than I had hoped. As usual.

love.