10.23.14

dear c and n--

sometimes i can't even find the words for all the things i want to tell you. all the things i want to help you understand, navigate, believe, and embrace. but today i have them, today i have words about grace.

because these last few days have been full for us.
they have been busy with unexpected things.
they have been messy with hard lessons.
they have been exhausting and discouraging and have left me feeling lacking as your mother immensely.

but i hope that you can look back on the busy and the hard and the difficult, and see that you are loved. i hope that you can see my many faults and weaknesses less than the fact of how strongly i love you, as i learn to navigate these waters of mothering, day after day.

i hope you remember these days with grace.

_____

these past few days have been peppered with times when both of you have noticed moments where grace abounds, been affected by it in such sweet ways, and have extended it to me despite my countless imprefections.

and it has shown me yet again the power of the gospel.
the beauty of the gospel.
my need for the gospel.

and it has struck me to my core. and so, as i relearn how to cling to grace and give grace in these muddled days of emotion and training and loving and guiding, i hope that you remember the love and the kindness in the midst of the mistakes and the weakness.

i know you will remember the coffee, but i hope you remember the grace.

love,
mama.

10.14.14

dear c and n--

life is going to be hard sometimes.

you've already experienced it in different ways--sickness and hardship and exhaustion has encountered our little family more than we would have liked. and still, as the years grow that you live this life on earth, more hard times will come.

but there is hope. 
because just as there is sweet in the hard, there is hope in the hopeless.
and there is grace for it all.

what i want most in the world for you is that as you grow, you grow in your love for--and faith in--God. that your hearts would always be tender towards his word and his grace and his redeeming love.

if i leave nothing else behind as my legacy for you, i hope that it is this--that you love well, that you live fully, and that you cling to the one that ransomed you, through all the things that come your way.

your hearts are large and your souls are sweet. both of you have such a joy and love within that radiates out and affects those around you in great ways. let these be what drive you in your efforts as you grow, and as your pursue the one that loves you perfectly.

you are precious to me.
you are precious to your father.
and you even more precious to the God that was kind enough to give you both to us.

dear ones, cling to one who gives us grace and redeems our souls to glory.
never lose hope.

love,
mama.

10.12.14

dear n--

you are such a gift.
the gift that came to us after the sorrow of loss--a promise of the faithfulness of God.

you bring us so much joy, every day.

watching you grow is a magical thing. you've fallen into a rhythm of living already, and your character is decided and formed and strong.

your little person is so full of life and love and glitter--
so much glitter.

i never knew someone so small could be so opinionated and sure of her what she likes (have i mentioned the glitter?). i love your feistiness and how ready you are to tackle the world and all it brings. i maybe do not love the fact that you refused to say mama until just a few weeks ago, but i admire your resolve. :)

despite your fiery independence, you are kind and sweet and you love to cuddle. and you love to give kisses to all your favorites. a lot of kisses. you love deeply and fully and are so aware of those around you.

_____

i hope you never lose that spirit and determination and the comfort you have in your own skin. these things make you so unique, and a joy to be around. there will be times ahead when there will be those that come try to push you down or take away the spark that makes you thrive. don't ever let them.

because you are gorgeous, inside and out. 

you, my sweet girl, are a passionate force in my life and those around you. and i am honored to be a part of your story.

love,
mama.

10.7.14

dear n--

i hate when you're sick.

your fevers come so quickly, and the feelings of helplessness and anxiety follow right behind. the world seems so much more fragile when i hold your little body, lying limply and uncomfortably.

it makes me feel helpless.

motherhood is hard. it makes you feel thin and fragile and vulnerable in new ways. but, just as it is when you find someone that loves you for who you are--for your very soul and self--this new vulnerability and fragility is sweet, as much as it is terrifying.

perhaps one day you'll be a mother as well. and you'll feel the surge of bare, fervent love for a person that is so much like you, but still so much their own self. whatever your future holds, i know you'll love well.
_____

i've learned more of God's love for his children through having my own. and he has proven the faithfulness of his love for this little family of ours time and time again.

he carried you safely as he formed your beautiful self in my belly, he carries you now as you navigate these first few years in this big world, and he will carry you every day after, whatever comes your way.

and so today, i'm reminding myself that he is the one that held you first, and he will hold you always. i hope you grasp firmly this truth to heart early on, and never allow anxiousness to take hold when things don't go as planned, and when the things of life get hard.

this world and our bodies are fragile and vulnerable, but the moments are beautiful.
and they can be found in the ordinary, like these sick-day snuggles we share while you mend.

love,
mama.

10.5.14

 

dear c and n--

i miss you when you're gone.
even when you're gone for just a little bit.

i hope when you're grown it will be easier to give you enough space to let you live your lives in the way that God calls you to, even if it draws you far from where we are.

but there's not grace for that yet.
and so today, i miss you both.

your giggles.
your hugs.
and even the incessant questions (that's all you, c. :)).

it's so quiet here without you. and the quiet is just another reminder that you're not here with me. of the abundance of life that your little bodies leave in their wakes.

and so sometimes, when you're gone, the quiet isn't quiet at all. it's loud.
a reminder that there are parts of my heart absent from this place.

but reunions, they are always sweet.
and i hope, no matter where you go, they will always be.

love,
mama.

10.4.14

dear c and n--

sometimes life gets in the way of your plans.

just go with it.

love,
mama.

10.3.14

dear c --

the way you see the world is beautiful. at four years old, you live with such abandon, pursuing the things you love so fully and unashamedly.

you are you, fully.
you never measure yourself by others. and when others compare you, you are so beautifully unaware.
you don't even skip a beat.

and yet, your heart is so tender and always so fully open. though you act without worrying of what others think, you care deeply about consoling others when you sense that they are upset. you are quick to supply a concerned, kind word and a hug (and sometimes with freshly-cooked "pancakes" from your kitchen).

your ability to be so free and yet so sensitive to others is something that i admire so much. and is something that you have inspired me to grow in, just by being you these four years.

i hope this is something that you never outgrow. and i hope that as the years go on, you will always see the best in those around you, and that you always lack the self-awareness that can so quickly hinder your passion and the freedom to be yourself.

we live in a world that so quickly tries to conform you to external standards, but those standards are so often times lacking any merit, and can so quickly steal your joy--don't ever give in to them. because the things that really matter are the things that God cares about in his children, and calls us to cultivate--a humble soul, a loving, gentle heart, and the freedom to pursue the passions he has given you fully and without shame, for his glory.

and these, sweet boy, are the things in which you excel.

you are my hero. it is such a joy to see the world through your eyes.

love,
mommy.

10.2.14

dear c and n --

you two. 

where do i even begin? you are the sweetest, kindest, strangest, most beautiful little people i have ever met. i don't think i will ever be able to express just how much you both have my heart, just how unique and beautiful and precious you are, or how proud i am of you.

but i'm going to try my best to tell you just that. every single day.

and i hope that when you look back on these years, the countless times you've heard it will be etched into your memories, and that you will never falter in your surety of knowing that you are loved fiercely by both of us, and even more by the God that entrusted you to us.

you have rocked our world and have grown our hearts in the best way possible. you are our greatest achievements.

love,
mama.

31 days of letters to my little loves.

lately, i've been working to be present in my day, to cherish the moments i have with these sweet blessings i've been given, while trying to pour as much love and encouragement and thoughts and life into each of them.  it has been a busy but sweet season of connecting with each of them, but it has left me feeling a little discouraged in a particular way.

there are so many times in the day that my heart bursts with things i want to tell them, but these long days of the little years leave my words meaningless to these little minds that can't yet grasp them. i have such a passion to be a champion to each of them, to build them up in order to set them loose on this world and make much of it. and i know that the season for that will come soon enough (and probably quicker than i want it), but i don't want to forget these years and the words that are for them, and have been for them in these little years, before it's here.

and there's the reality that i don't know how much of their lives i'll be here for--i have learned that there is no guarantee of decades of life lived together in this world. and so i don't want to waste the days (and the words) i've been given.

and so today, i am taking the first step to act on this passion that's been stirring. i want to leave them years of words and prayers and my heart written out upon pages for them, to have no matter where their lives take them.

i want them to know that i have loved them since the beginning, and i want them to see themselves the way i see them. beautiful, stunning, fierce, compassionate, strong, and lovely.

and so this is where i'm going to start. i'm joining up in the 31 day writing challenge, committing to write every day for the month of october. i'm sure many days will be not much more than snippets of our day, or prayers for their future, or maybe just a blubbering mess of a mama heart that overflows when i catch a glimpse of them. and there will probably be days that i miss, but this is my first step in doing something that's been on my heart for some time. something is so simple to execute but has been put on the back burner for other (and many times less important) things.

so, here goes nothing. :)

love.

p.s. if you're joining in on the 31 day challenge, i'd love to hear what you're writing on!

to find the rest of the posts in this series, click on the sidebar image.

on seeing beauty in the next generation.

“Be soft. Do not let the world make you hard. Do not let pain make you hate. Do not let the bitterness steal your sweetness. Take pride that even though the rest of the world may disagree, you still believe it to be a beautiful place."

― pleasefindthis   

i want my daughter to know that she's beautiful. 

as she grows, i want to impart to her the truth that she is a precious, gorgeous, cherished child of God. that her worth is in so much more than appearance. and that she just needs to look in the mirror to see a masterpiece of an incredible Creator.

i want her to be confident in who she is, and the person she is ever-being shaped into. i want her to feel blessed and adored, regardless of how well she fits in with the current standards of the world, because she is beautiful. 

i want her to embrace her God-given beauty in a way that magnifies what's in her heart, and the good things that her soul is made of. so that she will learn to bring beauty to those around her, rooted firmly in the love of her Father.

i want her to, in turn, look into others and see the beauty that resides in all of us. the intricate design that reflects a well-stayed, loving hand. the grace that is extended to all, and the beauty that each of us possess. 

i want her to know and believe that a joyful soul shines through the test of time on this earth and this fragile body that wears so easily. 

and do you know how she'll learn it (or not)?

how she will shape her worldview on beauty and womanhood?

by watching me.

so today, i resolve to live the dreams i have for her, in front of her.

or try, as much as i can, every day.

because goodness, i want to teach her well.

love.

31 days on seeing beauty (in yourself & others).

not too long ago, i wrote this post.

a post about my insecurities and my struggle to accept myself for who i am (and without makeup). about learning to see my fresh face with a little more beauty, and to embrace the person that I was created to be.

and, to be honest, this topic stretched me. 

because this is not the sort of thing i usually write about. and because learning to see yourself as beautiful, just as you are, in this world that we live in, is hard. it's hard to wade through the promotion of perfection and the thousands of others we have to compare ourselves to every day without feeling left wanting.

whether you are thin or not, young or old (or getting old), married or single, a mother or not--it's something we all struggle with, in our own way. and, i think it's time we break free from it.

free from comparing ourselves to other women.

free from criticizing every little imperfection.

free from mentally tearing other women down to make ourselves feel better.

free from having our worth tied to what size we are, or how flawless our face is.

free to believe that we can love ourselves despite our imperfections, and others can too.

ladies, we are enough.

and so, i'm joining in on the 31-day challenge to blog every day for the month of october, on this topic. to revolutionize my view of beauty and worth. to embrace who i am and learn to flourish in this body and behind this face. and to hopefully encourage us to embrace ourselves, and love ourselves, in view of who we really are.

we are a soul that is growing. 

blossoming.

redeemed.

and loved,

fiercely. 

so that we can spend our our days inspired by the beauty in us, and women around us. to celebrate the differences we have as endless facets of this glorious creation. 

to allow us to take some time to just be.

(sometimes) fresh-faced and free. 

i hope you'll join me on this journey, because you are beautiful, and i want you to see it too.

love.

p.s. i'm planning to talk about lots of practical things, as well--because there is something exhilarating about putting effort into looking beautiful. and Lord knows i need inspiration, too.